HeartBLOOD

Chapter thirty-nine

The fabric felt warm against Alec's cold, clammy hands. He had set an alarm last night to wake up early enough to work out. The Tanktop he put on exposed his shoulders to the cold morning air. Magnus was still asleep in the living room and he didn't want to wake Isabelle either, so he chose to occupy the kitchen with his yoga mat. Hesitantly, he sat down, unsure of what to do next- he hasn't worked out ever since the fire, and that was very noticeable. It felt weird- just the thought of being in a position where he had to get back into shape- usually, he has never not worked out for as long as he had now. And though maybe to some extend he wished he would- he just couldn't say he had missed it. Not at all. Breathing in the cold, he started stretching, feeling like a toddler trying to learn how to walk- this didn't feel natural anymore, he was thinking about each and every step he made. Trying to distract himself from the fear rising in his chest, he mentally went through his schedule one more time: Stretch and do a leg workout, hang out with Isabelle and Magnus, do an ab workout, get his mandatory therapy session over with, evening run, sleep. Somehow, that structure intimidated him as much as having no structure did.

"Do you want another bagel?", Izzy asked but Alec passed- his stomach was twisted upside down just thinking about having to go to that session later. "Oh come on, it won't be bad.", Magnus chuckled, knowing what his boyfriend was worrying about, "I made it out alive. Besides, the therapist isn't really shrink-ish, if you know what I mean? Just treat him like a random friend." "Right, because all my random friends psychoanalyze me." "Nobody is going to psychoanalyze you.", Isabelle chuckled, "It's going to be a conversation." "Anyways, what can one do apart from trying to get it over with.", Alec sighed and finished his water- though he stopped working out, he still somewhat stuck to his diet. "Try to learn something from it. Not everything sharp is going to hurt you: A knife might cut deep but you'll need a needle to stich you up."

"Alexander Lightwood, am I right?", a middle aged man asked when Alec stepped into the small stuffy room that smelled like lavender. "Yeah.", Alec sighed and looked around- blankets, books, brick walls. "Please, sit down- My name is doctor Neuthom, feel free to call me Greg." "Alec.", he replied and sat down onto the sofa on the therapist's opposite- Greg's opposite. Greg looked a bit like you'd imagine a therapist to look like- brown-greyish hair, glasses with no frame, Black turtleneck, but there was something young, something freshly empathetic and weirdly normal in the way his eyes sparkled. "You're the last one to come in, did you know that?", he asked. "I didn't.", he replied and took a look at the clock- 57 minutes to go: He couldn't wait for the time to be up. "You don't want to be here, do you?", Greg asked. "Sorry, no offence but I'm not the type of guy to talk for hours. Never have, never will be." "Ahhh, real big guy, always keeps his stuff to himself 'till the demons eat him alive from the inside. People like you always have the toughest stories to tell." Alec scoffed:" It's not like ranting will make it better. So, I deal with my issues by myself and people don't get to have an opinion about me or what goes on inside of me." "Don't you think talking about it might clear some things up for you?" "How am I supposed to explain something to someone else when I don't yet fully understand it myself?" "You know explaining something to somebody makes you understand it better, don't you? It's how so many people study in college. Maybe talking about what has happened those past weeks or years even will bring you a huge step closer to what you want.", Greg explained with a little smile. Something about him was so calm, Alec couldn't help but relax. "SO, what do I want?" "You want to be happy, Alec. Everyone does." "I don't even know what makes me happy anymore.", he admitted. "That's why you're here. I suppose dance made you happy?" "For years, yes. But it hasn't been the same ever since-", Alec started but broke off. He couldn't go back to that day, the day when all ease was ripped from him. "Ever since your injury?", Greg asked calmly. "How'd you know?", Alec swallowed. "You're massaging your right knee. Ever since you came here, you didn't even seem to notice, as if it was a nervous habit. Either you're so used to the pain this response is automatic or you find comfort in blaming your lostness on one day, one incident. Us humans hate things we can't explain- that's why it's common we pick a target and pinpoint the source of the entire issue on one event." "I don't know, I just feel lost without NYABM- but I don't miss it either. There's a lot of figuring out that has to be done, but that's something I'll deal with step by step.", Alec deflected- 40 minutes left. "That's what happens when you pile up your problems and don't get help.", Greg grinned. "I don't need help.", Alec replied, leaning back- what even was the point of all this? "Hyperindependence is a trauma response, did you know that?" "I didn't, but I also couldn't care less- any chance we can cut this short?" "You know what?", Greg admitted, "I think we can. I feel like although you're not going to realize right away, you might have learned a few lessons. No need to go all sensitive on you- you need someone to speak to you with the same harshness you speak to yourself- think about that. And take care."

Announcement as my announcement board doesn't work:

Hello beautiful people,

I have got to apologize. It feels like i am letting you guys down, the people that were always there for me. My readers, my stories, my characters. I am sorry for leaving you hanging and I need to make this public so I can hold myself accountable for what I did, or rather didn't do. So, I am promising you and myself that I will not abandon all this again. This thing that I've built up over the past almost 3 years- moving away from it was one of the most painful experiences. Yet, it made me realize that I need this- so I'll come back, I promise. I will take you back to the ruins of NYABM and to a completely new place- Rosevent Avenue 17. As requested, there will be a christmas story this year and as I am currently planning i'd love your input. So if you have any malec fluff scenes you'd like to see, anything at all please let me know. Catch you soon,

XOXO AllyMaii