HeartBLOOD

Chapter fifty-three

It was the first night he had spent alone in almost three years. Alecs chest was rising and falling rhythmically, he was staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. The sofa felt awfully big without Magnus by his side, the room felt too quiet without his soft snoring, it smelled to clean without his scent. Only now did he realize, how privileged he was to not miss Magnus so often, how privileged he was to have him by his side. Looking at his phone, he saw that he had no new messages. It was not like he was expecting any, he just wanted to make sure that nobody was waiting for an answer from him. He would hate it if someone would have to wait for him.

A random tear escaped his eye- what the hell had his life turned into? What happened to him? Suddenly, he had trouble breathing, his heart contracting in his chest, his whole body cramping- oh, how he wished he could just scream in that very moment.

Instead, he swallowed down his agony and pressed another, this time intentional tear out of the corner of his eye- this was all he had left. Not being able to lay still, he got up and put a note on the table for Isabelle, saying he was outside to clear his head. Putting on a hoodie and some running shoes, he grabbed his keys and his phone before leaving the apartment.

It was nice outside, the soft spring night air feeling cooling on the sweaty skin of his face. The fresh air took some of the pressure off of his chest, filling his lungs with oxygen. Slowly, he started to jog, his feet bouncing off of the concrete that paved New York City. The silent taps of his soles against the ground aligning with the rhythm of his heartbeat, he made his way to central park. For whatever reason, it always pulled him there. Maybe it was the tourists- they had that spark in their eyes. Even though it was almost midnight, a few people were still out, a group of teenagers sitting on some picknick blanket, probably waiting for the clock to tick twelve and celebrate a birthday, judging by the cake in the middle of their circle. Without another look in their direction, he jogged past them and further into the depths of central park. It had been almost half a year since he had gone on his last run, and he felt his loss of stamina in his lungs, which felt like they had caught on fire. Lowering the pace to still have enough power for his way back, he kept running, looking at the lights.

There was a special term for the realization, that all people surrounding you had a life as complex as your own, but you knew nothing about it. Magnus had once told him that random fact, and as predictable as it had been for him to forget the word, the feeling was familiar. It was oddly comforting to know, that even though he might be struggling, he never struggled alone. Thinking about struggling, he felt an also familiar dull pain in his leg, clearly giving him a signal to turn around and run back. Looking at his watch, he realized that he had been gone for more than twenty minutes already: Figuring that he would be slower on his way back home, he calculated fifty minutes to be a solid run, and therefore made his way back to Isabelles. Checking his phone again, he still had no new messages. Something about it was relieving, he realized- no obligations, no one waiting for him, no one depending on him, no one having expectations.

A shiver ran down Alecs spine, bringing to his attention that maybe spring nights werent as warm as he remembered them to be. Over all, the world seemed awfully cold when he thought about it, so he chose not to.

Out of breath and sweating, he unlocked the door to Izzys apartment, his face red with exhaustion. The good type of exhaustion, though. He was physically tired, and for the first time in a while, that managed to overshadow his emotional exhaustion. Inhaling the scent of Isabelles room perfume, he poured himself a glass of water, drinking it immediately and filling up a second one. He had never thought hed say it, but he had missed working out. He had missed letting his body distract him from his mind. It felt a little like old times, he realized, and though old times hadnt been good either, he felt comfort in that feeling of familiarity. That feeling of knowing what was happening to him. That feeling of control. He chose to work out, that was why he was tired. It was something he could explain, at least.

Making his way back to the living room, he heard a something like a quiet sob from Isabelles bedroom. Carefully leaning against it, his heart sank as he pressed his ear to the door. That was his sister crying, he could distinguish her sobs from anyone elses, anywhere, anytime. He had heard the too often, unfortunately.

After knocking, he stepped inside to see Isabelle in her pajamas, sitting on her bed, hands covering her face

Hey, its okay., he whispered and grabbed her by the shaking shoulders, Its okay.

Not being able to say anything, she just sat there, crying, breathing, shaking, holding on.

Just like he had always done it, he sat down behind her, wrapping his arms around her body, letting her head rest against his heavily breathing chest. He yet again found comfort in realizing, that she was as much of a trainwreck as he was himself. They both were screwed up, and as much as he had always tried to protect her from that damage, some things were irrefutable.

How do I love again?, she sobbed, a tear dropping onto his sweatpants.

Silently, Alec swallowed- if only he knew.