HeartBLOOD

Chapter thirty-six

"Raph?", Alec asked and knocked at the door again- he had been standing here for minutes and nobody had answered yet. Yesterday at the funeral, he realized how much he had lost touch with his friends- everyone had been drowning in their own thoughts, everybody just tried to cope on their own. But people didn't work that way- they needed each other. Thinking back to the day of his NYABM auditions, the day he first met Raphael made his heart ache- who were they now? Just a bunch of teens struggling their way through dance school, making all of their life about perfect angles and triple-pirouettes. And once that was gone, like it was now, they had nothing left. It almost was like their entire existence was ripped from them. "Raphael!", he exclaimed again and kept banging at the door- he told his best friend yesterday, that he was going to come over to check up on him. But he must have forgotten. Just as Alec wanted to turn around and leave, he heard the hotel room's door knob being turned. "Hey, I thought you were out!", Alec chuckled and pulled his friend into a hug, unable to ignore the weird smell surrounding him and wavering out of the room. "Nah, I was asleep.", Raphael replied and let Alec in, "I'm sorry, it's a bit messy in here." With a gasp, Alec looked around- clothes were lying around the entire room, dirty dishes stood next to the sink and a thin coat of dust covered some of the cutlery next to it. This was so unlike Raphael- his dorm room was always clean, his clothes folded and organized by color. "What happened to you, man?", Alec asked with a frown before walking to the window to rip it open. "I don't know, I just couldn't gather the strength to clean or shower or anything like that.", he sighed and let his eyelids fall shut. Only now Alec realized the visible changes he has undergone: He had dark circles under his eyes, the entire are looked swollen whilst his cheekbones stood out even more than they already used to. The shirt he wore was covered in crumbs and there was a stain on the sweatpants he wore. "Hey, that's not you. Come on, talk to me.", Alec asked worriedly- this was not Raphael at all. "It's been hard lately, I don't need to tell you about it.", he replied quietly. "Listen, I know some scarring things happened the past weeks and everyone is entitled to their own coping mechanisms, but you've let yourself go!", Alec argued and reached for Raphael's hand, who flinched, "It's okay not to be okay, Raphael. All you need to do is realize that this is not you, and that you will get over whatever it is that's robbing you of all your energy. You'll move past it, you'll carry on. This is just another rock in your way." "It's not a rock, Alec. It's a fucking brick wall. There's no way through.", Raphael explained, raising his voice. "There's always a way.", Alec tried to calm him down, but had already sent Raphael into a spiral. "Sometimes there's not, and you need to grow up and finally realize that not everything is going to be okay, Alec. I know you went through some deep shit, most of us did, but you didn't cheat life, Alec. You can't cheat life." Unintentionally, Alec let a quiet gasp slip- he did not expect to hear that. If anything, people told him he was too pessimistic, but what Raphael just said- that he had never heard before. And it stung like a poke in a fresh wound, like a paper cut across the piece of skin connecting your thumb to your digit finger. He knew that deep down, this was the pain talking and clearly Raphael was still trying to cope with a way bugger thing than the fire itself, but it was hard to ignore what has been said when the devil wore your best friend's voice. "I'm sorry.", Raphael whispered and Alec swallowed hard, trying not to show his hurt. "What is it, Raph?", he asked, trying to suppress the bitterness. "Everyone is leaving and everyone's dying.", he whispered, "My grandma dies, my girlfriend drops out and things are not the same, one of my best friends is dead- then NYABM falls apart, I'm neither here nor in Boston, I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm fucking lonely, though there are plenty of people surrounding me. I'm not alone but everything that has ever surrounded me fell apart- family, friends, relationships, dance. I don't see the point, Alec. I try tricking myself into thinking I do, but I don't. All I do is walk around and think 'what the hell am I doing here?'" "I doubt any of us knows what their purpose is right now. Neither do I, Raph. I have no clue of what I'm doing, and all I'm trying is to make it from day to day, hoping that someday I'll just magically find the answer. But you need to be lost in order to find yourself. And meanwhile, you've got to take care of yourself. The simple things, though they seem hard.", Alec replied calmly, stroking his friend's shoulder. "So you're lost as well?", Raphael asked and finally looked Alec in his eyes. "I thought about quitting dance, I haven't properly worked out ever since the day it all went south. That should answer your question.", he answered and got up, "So I know it's hard, Raph. So, let me do the beginning for you- you shower and I'll clean, alright? And then maybe one day, you'll be ready to do it all by yourself, but we're doing baby steps." "Thank you.", Raphael smiled weakly and made his way to the bathroom before Alec got started on the kitchen- he understood Raphael, but it couldn't go on like this. So, if him stepping by everyday to push him towards at least taking care of himself whilst he took care of the hotel room was what it took, he was more than happy to reach out his helping hand to Raphael- now it was up to him, whether he chose to take it.