HeartBLOOD

Chapter forty-five

"Looking good, Coach Alec!", Magnus joked as Alec stepped out of the shower. His hair was damp and his eyes were barely open yet- one thing he didn't miss about his old life was having to get up early. "Oh come on, shut up.", Alec groaned and ran his hand through his hair, the towel loose around his hips. "I like it, though.", Magnus chuckled and wrapped his arms around Alec before melting his lips with Alecs. "And I mean what I said.", Magnus added, "You really do look good." "I've been trying. All for you.", Alec grinned, and it was true, he had been trying to get back in shape. After sensing that Alec was starting to freeze, Magnus let go and they went to the guest bedroom to get changed. "I just wanted to ask you whether you wanted me to join you tomorrow night for your appointment?", Magnus asked, catching Alec off guard. "What appointment?", Alec asked in confusion- he hasn't looked into his google calendar for a long time. "Doctors appointment?", Magnus replied, slightly disappointed in Alec. "Oh crap.", he cursed and threw on a sweater. "You haven't made up your mind, have you?", Magnus asked, already knowing the response. "Nope.", Alec replied truthfully and proceeded to the kitchen before putting out three bowls, some milk and cereal. He figured, Izzy could wake up any minute now. "Alright, well, let me know if you want me to come. Or what you plan on doing.", Magnus sighed and poured some cereal into his bowl. Both were avoiding pronouncing what that appointment actually meant. At the beginning of the school year Alec had seen his doctor to consult him on his knee. Back then, they established that if nothing would change, they'd make an appointment to discuss whether Alec wanted the surgery or not. That question had always been in the back of his mind, but somehow he always managed to ignore it, to distract himself from the one thing he actually needed to make his mind up about. And now, slowly but steadily, he was running out of time.

The rest of the morning went by in a blur- he remembered his sister waking up, remembered how both she and Magnus tried throwing some random last minute input his way, he remembered Isabelle asking him to be reasonable, he remembered Magnus saying something about persuasiveness. He didn't quite know what any of that was about, and neither did he feel like any of their advice would help him in making a decision. The second he woke up from this thunderstorm of clouds was when he stepped outside of his sisters apartment and made his way to BDA, his dancebag heavy on his shoulder, headphones in his ears. It was one of those days where he didn't even know what music to listen to, so instead, he listened to the screaming silence of his own thoughts. Minutes later, completely unaware of his surroundings, he ended up in front of BDA- somehow, his inner compass always guided him to the right place.

"Hey, you're in early!", Cat greeted as he walked in. "Didn't you ask me to come early?", Alec asked in confusion. Confusion was a good word to describe him that day. "You were supposed to come in early next week, Dummie.", she chuckled and he followed her inside her office. To his surprise, he saw a couch right next to the door where the shelf with awards used to stand. "Whoa- what happened here?", he asked. "I decided to display the awards in the hallway- didn't you notice? The one you won your senior year is right by the door!" "Sorry, I missed it.", Alec replied and chuckled, remembering that competition- what a terribly good time that was. "What's wrong with you? You're acting completely dissociated.", she asked and dropped herself onto the sofa, making space for Alec to sit down next to her. "Just a lot on my mind.", he smiled weakly, "Anyways, I don't want to distract you from whatever you were doing." "Oh come on, shut up, lemme hear it." "I promise, it's not that deep.", Alec chuckled, "I am just unable to make a decision- and if not even I know what's good for me, how is anyone supposed to help me?" "At least let me try.", she smiled and put a hand on Alec's shoulder, "I practically raised you, after all." "You kinda did, yeah.", Alec laughed and out of routine started massaging his knee- it seemed to be a nervous habit he adapted. "Alec, is it getting worse again? Cause if yes, you have no obligations-", Cat immediately said but Alec shook his head:" No, it's not that. I mean, yes, it is, but not in the way you expect." "So you're not in pain or anything, right?", she asked to reassure herself. "Just the normal amount.", Alec chuckled, "But it's not about that. It's about my options to fix that. The question is: Surgery with the risk of never dancing again or letting it be and signing up for a lifetime of pain, meds and uncertainty." "Oh, Alec.", Cat sighed and pulled him into a hug, "That's a tough decision to make." "Yeah, well, I gotta make it sometime.", he replied and ran his hand through her hair. "Can you postpone making the decision?", she asked. "I'm going to have to.", he scoffed, "If I'll do the surgery, and that's a big If, then I'd do it after graduating, so technically I still have time.", he replied, trying to convince more himself than Cat. "But, are you really good to dance now?", she asked, "Cause if you're not, the way to go is quite obvious, isn't it?" "I'm on some good meds so it's manageable at the moment, but I know that one wrong step can knock me out for days and that's just a type of uncertainty I don't wanna live with. I don't wanna go from flare-up to flare-up hoping it'll be timed okay. I don't want to get those random sharp pains and wonder every damn time if that's the end of my career. I don't want to have ice packs taped to my leg every other day because otherwise, walking is unbearable. But as much as I hate it, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. But the question is whether it's time to stop. And I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."