Second time lucky

28

There's never a right way to say goodbye to someone, to watch them walk out of your life and know there is a possibility that it is permanent. It doesn't matter if it was on good terms or bad, the pain of the loss still lives within you, manifesting itself until it becomes too unbearable to carry anymore.

It had been almost a month since Kyle had said goodbye to the kids, to me,  and walked away. I don't know if they believed the 'secret mission' story, but that minuscule fact was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

I could see it on their faces, every morning when they ate cereal instead of pancakes for breakfast. Pain, sadness, heartache. I had tried, and failed, several times at making pancakes for them, but ultimately the only person who could be Kyle, is Kyle.

Connor and Emelia missed him terribly and it was obvious. The happy and well behaved children of mine, were now sad, fighting and arguing with other kids, as well as acting out at home. They were trying to tackle an adult problem when they are kids and should only be worried about barbies and superheroes, or what color they were using to color in their pictures.

Instead they were trying to find a new normal that I didn't know how to make easier for them. No matter how much I kept trying, none of it felt normal, the only slight normalcy came when Riley had them and I was alone to do housework.

There was a light knock on the door, just as Emelia started screaming hysterically at Connor and he yelled back. They were damaged kids now, because of me and I didn't have it in me to be mad at them for something that I had caused.

"Guys stop fighting!" I yelled up the stairs, "someone's at the door!" I announced.

I was exhausted. It had hit me a few days ago that I had taken Kyle for granted in more ways than one. He held us all together, all the time. Without him we were all struggling to find our rhythm, our routine. I had never been a yeller, and yet I seemed to do it more now than I had in my life.

Riley had been trying to help by getting them a lot too, yet another change to their usual routine and whenever I would explain their behavior to him he acted as if they were perfect all the time.

I opened the door, exhausted and overwhelmed as the kids continued to scream loudly upstairs. Riley was standing there in some khaki shorts and a blue pull over T-shirt as his smile dropped, first at my disheveled state, and then at the screaming that echoed through the house from upstairs.

It was easy to notice, the small change in his eyes that was hard to miss. He wasn't an angry person and very few things made him angry, and yet it was obvious that the screaming upstairs was a trigger point for him.

"Go sit down for a few minutes Britt, I'm going to handle that." He pointed to the stairs.

I nodded, completely exhausted. "Just don't yell at them please. This past couple of months has been a lot for them and I think I yell enough as it is." I explained as he walked past me and went upstairs.

I sat in the chair and listened as he walked into their room and they perked up at the sight of him. He must have brushed them off because the next thing I heard was him sternly telling them that they needed to behave better and be nicer to me.

"Why are you both screaming at each other? Do you know how much your mom loves you both?"  He asked. "She loves you more than she loves herself and listen, I know a lot of things have changed, but that doesn't mean you both get to act like crazy people."

"But daddy .."

"No princess I don't want to hear it. Both of you sit down." He continued. "What is going on with you guys? You don't act like this at my house, why are you doing it for your mom?"

"Because.. she made uncle Kyle leave!" Connor blurted out without hesitation.

"Yeah she told him she loved him and then he went away. We don't want to go away too, so we have to make her not love us anymore!" Emelia stated as if it were the only logical solution.

"Guys, listen, uncle Kyle didn't go away because your mom loved him. Sometimes grown ups just go away for a little while. It's nothing that uncle Kyle or your mom planned to happen, it just did. I know it's hard, but your mother needs you guys right now, and I think you both need to tell her sorry, after you clean up this room." He said as a tear slipped down my cheek.

He came downstairs soon after and sat beside me, his legs brushing against mine. The void in my chest felt heavier now, the knowledge that the kids blamed me, that they thought I would send them away if I loved them was eating away at my insides. I never wanted them to feel that way. Ever.

"I failed them Riley. I've failed them, Kyle, You." I wiped the back of hand over my face.

"No you didn't. You have done the best you can and you are an amazing mother and a great person. They are just young and don't understand. But it's okay, that means you're doing something right, you're not dragging them into your relationships and that's a good thing." He looked over at me as my lip trembled. I understood what he was saying but everything still hurt. "Come here!" He pulled me into his arms and I just let him.

It felt nice to have someone, especially him, holding me and telling me I wasn't a failure. That even though I had hurt him in the past, he still cared more than just for the kids sake.

I leaned into him and just let him hold me. His fingers were brushing up and down my back and I couldn't help but notice the satisfying feeling of content that washed over me.

I was hurt, yes... sad, definitely... and yet being encompassed in his arms made it all seem irrelevant. He was the buffer, the relief from all the pain I was feeling because of Kyle, because of myself.

"Riles?" I murmured into his chest, using the nickname I hadn't used in forever.

"Yeah?" He replied not letting go of me.

"Thank you. I really am sorry I hurt you, I never deserved you in the first place." I admitted more to myself than him.

Still his arms tightened around me before one of his hands moved to hold the back of my neck. He held me tightly against him as he leaned his head down so that his breath fanned across my shoulder and neck.

"Don't ever say that Britt. You made mistakes and so did I, it's what people in love do. We learned from them and honestly my only regret is that I didn't stay after the trial. I have never once regretted any part of us." He whispered.

"Do you mean that?" I leaned back to look at his face as his eyes caught mine.

I stared into them as he watched me closely. It was like I was looking into his soul and in a weird way, into a deeper part of myself. I tried to remind myself that it was more complicated than just the emotions and feelings inside my body, and yet when his eyes softened and hooded I knew it was going to be a futile effort to fight.

He had been there, he always had been since day one and even when we were separated he showed up when it was most important. Even now, he was here comforting me when he had no obligation to do so.

The hand that was on my back moved down to rest on my waist as I continued to stare into his eyes. His other hand moved slightly, his thumb trailing delicately across my cheek in a soothing motion as he watched my reaction.

"Riles I ..."

"I've missed hearing you call me that." He admitted in a low whisper.

"I don't think..." I trailed off, licking my lips as I was suddenly overcome with thirst.

"Don't think, just do what you want to do Britt." He glanced down at my lips as my breath hitched in my throat.

I could feel his hand on my waist holding me more firmly as the hand on my face slowly pulled me closer to him as he was moving towards me.

We were in dangerous territory, close to the line of messing things up all over again and for the first time in a long time I wasn't afraid of the fall out.