Second time lucky

25

Britts pov

I wish I had a reason for the emotional turmoil I felt, wish I understood why happiness was so difficult to hold onto. It seemed like it was so easy to get and yet after a while it fizzled out, every time.

I shouldn't be here, alone in his room with him, and yet it is one of the few places I feel most comfortable. It's crazy but I think it always will be. Even when he was gone I would sneak in here sometimes, just to feel the peace it brought me, the memories of the happiness I had here in this room, how easy that happiness used to be.

He didn't say anything as we both sat side by side on the bed. He had moved his hand to grab mine again but seemed to think better of it and pulled it away. Clearly He didn't know where we stood and honestly neither did I.

I felt like my life was in a void, a rut. There was no clear path out of the problem, and no way to see ahead to know which was the path I was supposed to take. Like a maze with two exits, one of which led to Kyle and one which led to Riley. Either path taken would hurt the other and without choosing I would be left in the maze alone and hurt both of them.

"Britt what's wrong?" He asked delicately as if he were afraid of overstepping.

I couldn't tell him what it was, that watching him with the kids, giving me something he had taken the time to make with them- his time with them, had given me a small glimpse of what our life could be like as a family. What our lives should have been like if I would have just been honest from the start.

It was all I had ever wanted, me and him, and our children - a happily ever after that kids read about on fairytales. But life wasn't a fairytale, and my choices had the ability to hurt those I cared about, people that Connor and Emelia cared about.

"Did you not like the gift?" He asked puzzled.

I wiped my eyes and lifted my head as I turned to look at him. "I loved it, thank you for doing that. It's just, well everything in my life is such a mess right now."

He put his arm around my shoulder like a friend comforting a friend. I knew I should pull away, I knew it wasn't right, and yet I was powerless to stop myself from leaning into his side as the warmth of his body filtered through mine to my heart.

He was still the same Riley, the one I had fallen in love with, given myself to completely. The same Riley that never gave up on me until he thought I was with someone else, the one that would do anything I needed him to do without me having to tell him what it was.

He knew me.

He knew me better than anyone else.

Before I knew it I was crying again, only this time he didn't hesitate to pull me into him, one step ahead of me knowing what I needed as I found my face buried in the crook of his neck as I let all the pain, the fear, the conflicting emotions run their course.

Only after I had calmed down did I notice that I had moved when he pulled me and was now straddling him as he sat on the bed. One hand was resting on my hips holding me steady, while the other rubbed my back  as his breathing hitched when I moved back.

"Riley?" I whispered.

"Mhmm?" His breathing fluttered.

"I should probably go." I admitted even as the voice in my heart told me to stay. "I need to get the kids to bed and..." I pulled my face from his neck and pulled back slowly.

Our noses were so close as I looked in his eyes and watched them flicker to my lips and back up. He tucked my messy hair behind my ear as I closed my eyes.

"Riles we can't. It wouldn't be fair to Kyle." I whispered as the very erratic beating of my heart echoed in my ears.

He let out a sigh but let me go as I stood up. I had missed being in his arms more than I wanted to admit, and yet now that I had been, I knew my decision wasn't about to be any easier.

He felt like home, and he always had.

"Come on, I'll let you help the kids get their stuff." I smiled as he let out a sigh and followed me out the door.

Once we located the kids outside I called them in so they could ceremoniously place my new crown on my head.

"I love it guys! Thank you so much!" I smiled at them.

"We had so much fun! Can we come back tomorrow?" Connor asked.

"You could, but you have Brantleys birthday party tomorrow." I said as they smiled, suddenly distracted by the party.

"Don't worry I'll get with your mom about when you can come play again."

"Okay, bye daddy"

Once they had hugged Riley, Ava and Brett took them both outside to load them into the car, leaving me in the doorway with Riley.

"Thanks for that and for earlier. I have a lot going on right now and well, it's just nice to have somewhere I feel comfortable letting it all out." I explained as he shot me a sympathetic smile.

"Did you ever ... I mean did you use my room while .." I knew what he was asking and I also knew that while we had talked about why it happened neither of us explained in detail how it made us feel.

"Yeah, I did." I interrupted him. "I don't know why, I guess it's just that you were always my safe place, and even if you weren't here, your room still smelled like you, still looked the same as the last time we were there. It was comfortable, not to mention no one ever looked for me there." I chuckled lightly.

"I'm not surprised. " He laughed with me. "Britt look, thanks for letting me keep them today. I know it's hard for you but I want to be there any way I can, for them and you."

"I know, and for the record it was never my intention to keep them from you." I shot him a smile as he took my hand in his.

"I know you didn't, but let's put it all in the past. What matters is that we are both here now and doing the best we can." His thumb rubbed the back of my hand.

I tried to ignore the electricity running through my hand, even as I felt my face heating up. Ava had helped me to clear up who it was that I saw in my future and I needed to remember that.

I still had a lot to figure out before I made any final decisions on the matter and to start with I needed to talk to Kyle. We hadn't left things on anything close to good and I needed to fix that before I did anything else.

I pulled my hand away from Riley and smiled shyly at him.

"I guess I'll see you soon?" I asked as he let out a long breath and scratched the back of his neck.

"Yeah, erm, I guess you will. I mean we share two little humans so you're stuck with me."

"I guess I am." I grinned before walking out of the door to Avas car.

Once we had pulled away the twins fell asleep. Brett was following behind us and I figured they would both be taking up the guest room for the night.

When we arrived at the house, Ava went inside to make drinks while Brett helped me carry the kids upstairs to bed. We laid them down, before I tucked them both in and joined Ava and Brett in the living room.

"So what are you going to do?" Ava asked as I sat down and she handed me a glass of wine.

"I don't know. Would it be bad if I just focused on myself? I mean obviously I need to apologize to him for last night, even if I didn't even know Riley was here until this morning. Still I kind of feel like I need a break from being in a relationship. I've spent the last five years focusing on Riley and then Kyle, it's like I don't even remember how to just focus on me." I said.

"I think you sound pretty wise there Britt." Brett said as Ava curled into his side.

"Me too, but what are you going to do about Kyle? Are you going to breakup or .." she asked.

"Honestly I don't know. I'll talk to him tomorrow." I smiled before I got up and went to bed. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring but I hoped I wouldn't destroy one of the best people I knew.