FORBIDDEN LOVE

I killed him

December, 17. My life was in mush. I wanna live an desert island like Robinson Crusoe. But my men in my life let me know about their existence. They flurried my feelings from bad to good, from good to bad. I had a mood swing. My mind wasn't so stability. Sometimes, it seemed to me I was getting mad. I slept bad, from time to time I had insomnia. My hands were shaking like drunk man was. I had a deadlock. Only Ben, my big Ben impressed me in positive way.
Toby confessed in his love. But when you don't like a man, his confession is not so pleased to you. Gab persuaded me to live together again. But I know that he deserves more than me with my miserable love. Jay! What about Jay? I hated him, loved him, wanted him, escaped him, waited him, ignored him. Absurd!!!

When I came to our racers' room, Ben was writing something. He didn't notice me, so I srarted: "What are you doing, big Ben?"
"Josephine, remember, I'm not from London, I'm from Brighton." - he smiled, his face was so happy. He dreamt to visit London one day, but....
"So witty, Ben. So?"- I pointed to the papers on the table.
"It's my fire list." - he shrugged his shoulders.
"What? Why?" - I was surprised.
"I've decided to be fired. Having two children demand on another level. We are moving to San Francisco. There are a lot of opportunities."
"I will miss you. Though, maybe I will move there too, I'm thinking about it."
"Stop speaking about me, look at yourself. You look sick and tired. What's wrong with you?"
"My private life happened."
"How will you drive?
"Easy, boy!"
"No, you can't. Your eyes are red, hands are shaking, mind is not so clear, I suppose."
"What's your suggestion?"
"I will be instead of you."
"Are you mad?"
"No, here you are mad, girl."
"How? It's impossible. Nobody changes me in prepared list for announced competitors."
"How do you know? You have never tried to do it."
"Sure, because I have never had to do it, Ben."
"But, I prohibited driving. You are not in condition. I will say to judges that your stomach feels bad."

I was waiting for him outside, my head was dizzling. Ben came out with happy smile, waving the list of contestants.
"Here it is, Jo." - He gave me to look through.
"Wow, Ben. How can you find compromise with strict judges?"
"Easy, baby."
But my imagination was picturing strange episodes of that day. I tried to get rid of bad bright thoughts. I had manage to regret of this changing idea.

"Jo, I'm ready." - he was delighted.
"Are you sure?"
"More than ever."
"I've brought you the music. Start with the third track, it can help you to concentrate on the road."
"Oh, thank you, miss."

It was Sia "Unstoppable", I wanna let him feel a lot of drive, energy and adrenaline.
He waved me out of the car.
I showed him "Good Luck" by my lips and he answered to me "Take care, babe."
Why did he say this phrase? What was he feeling before racing?
Time was over and the racers started to drive. Ben was the second one from fifteen cars. He went confident. Ben taught me everything. He was my master, he was in my popular shadow.

His left front wheel started to spin faster and faster. Something was happening with that car. It seemed his car didn't obey him. He tried to cope with, but he couldn't. He bumped the board of the road and his car flashed like a match. My tears rolled unstoppable. I couldn't speak, I couldn't wink, I couldn't move, I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream. I just stood still and swallowed the salt water from my eyes.