A week past and yet no sign of him improving. Everyday I prayed to one day wake up to him with his eyes open. Yet here I woke next to him his eyes shut. His chest rising and falling yet no movements. No twitches not slight movements. The doctors can in to switch his Chemo bags. I walked out as they did. My baby. I missed his voice the most.His sweet comforting voice. I knew I was safe when I heard it. The words falling off his tongue making me feel like a Queen.
I sat in his room again. Jon and Brie had gone home so Jon could cool down from last night. The silence became my friend. Well the monitors too. I'd get scared every time they forgot to but his pulse reader on his finger because the machine would say he had no pulse. I always checked after the left the room.
I was sat alone after I ate just sat next to him the room so quiet. I moved his hair out of his face.
"I know you hate people touching your hair I just wanna make sure your lip is healing"I said gently to him. I caressed his face and looked at his lip
"Your healing alright Mr"I said as I ran my hand down his cheek.
I kissed his head before the door opened and it was my mum.
"Mom what are you doing here?"I asked her
"Brie told me all about it. He's going to be okay you know he's a tough young man"My mum said as she pulled me into a hug.
"I don't know mom I'm so scared"I said as I began crying
"Baby I promise you Joseph is going to knock this out the park he is such a strong man and he will do anything and wouldn't give up you or Mateo. I know I haven't known him for long but I know that man loves you"
"Mom it's just so unfair every time something turns out good in both our life's it just turns out to go bad. I don't wanna lose Joe. He's my only happiness. Mom I'm not the same without him"
"I can see that baby by your pain now"She said as she squeezed me
I let go of my mom as Brie walked in and then took my place next to Joseph I love this man. My God Dear God keep this man alive I need him. My mom and Brie were outside as I just sat and listened to his heart monitor. Scared it would stop and I would be left without my love.
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Every moment I spent with him was a blessing in itself. Joseph was just so perfect.
From the first Kiss-To being inseparable-To the First I love you-To now expecting. I wasn't even able to tell him I was pregnant. I know it's really soon for me and Joseph that's why I wanted to tell him but that was when he was sneaking to the doctors and we went through a rough patch. I was scared our relationship was coming to and end. But it wasn't. I was scared he didn't love me anymore yet now I hate myself for not telling anyone he wasn't the same. That something had changed yet I failed. If he died his blood would cover my hands and I would be responsible. I could've told Jon Brie someone but I didn't. I failed him.
The door opened and it was Jon
"You know you haven't eaten a lot since we came here so I bought you some food. Joseph told me your favourite sub from Subway was Meatball marinara so I got you it cheese and toasted"He smiled gently. I smiled at him weakly and took the food out of Jon's hand. Joe would kill Me if he knew I wasn't eating.
"How are you?"Jon asked
"I don't know. There isn't a word to describe it"I said trying to stop the tears from falling
"Brie keeps saying he'll be fine I don't think she realises how bad things are"He said as his voice broke.
"Jon I'm sorry I should've said something to you I could've stopped this"I said as tears fell
"Don't blame this on yourself Nicole. You didn't know"He said
Jon got up and sat closer to Joseph
"You know he could never go a day without mentioning you. Or look at a photo of you. Or call you"Jon said
"Yeah he is so cute"I said through a sniffle
"He was always like Jon I have found the one Uce. I can feel it. Nicole she's the one Uce. He used to say it all the time with his smile and he had never been so happy"Jon said as he held back tears
"Now I don't even know my brothers voice. Or his smile. I never knew how hard my life would be without him"Jon continued
"It's his smile and cuddles I miss the most"I said
"Yeah he could turn a shit day into a great one with his hugs. He never failed to put a smile on people's faces...."
The room fell silent...I never knew how much I would suffer without Joseph. The feeling of bringing in this world without him. Wasn't a feeling I wanted or loved. I just wanted my Samoan. My Bubba....My Asshole back.
