What's a Riddle?

Luna

Have you ever had stress feel like such a weight in your life? I have. I'm currently sitting in my room freaking the fuck out because I was just told that Roxanne was kidnapped. "This is royally fucking fucked." "I wouldn't worry about this Luna." Pansy said. "How do you keep getting in here?" "That's really none of your concern." "It is. Because I sleep here. How am I supposed to know you won't stab me in the middle of the night?" "I don't have any motivation to hurt you. Unless you did something that forced me to kill you." "Great. That makes me feel so much better." "Look. All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about Roxanne. She can take care of herself...and the asshole who did this is probably suffering right now." "Maybe you're right." "It's just that I really wish someone didn't kidnap her. I mean what's the purpose?" "Maybe someone had a crush on her. They might've fucked each other." "Pansy, this isn't a joke." "Alright I'll stop." "Can you say something that will make me feel better about this whole fucking situation?" "Okay. Roxanne is one of the smartest people I've ever met. She has courage, and she's one hell of a wizard. I know she will be able to get out alive. I'm not worried because I know who she is. You don't need to worry about anything." "I guess you're right." "Bitch I know I'm right."
    We were both on the ground playing darts when our door was busted open. "What the fuck Ron?!" I said. "We could've hit you with a dart." Pansy added. "There's some good news. We-..." "Spit it out Weasly!" Pansy yelled. "It's Roxanne. She's alive. They found her by the quidditch field!" Pansy was the first to push Ron out of the way, and I just softly shoved him out of the doorway. "Sorry." After I apologized I ran outside to see Harry, Fred, and Pansy walking with Roxy. She looked fine except she seemed really sad. "Oh thank fuck!" I yelled. I ran up to her and hugged her, but she didn't hug back like normal. When I pulled away, I looked into her eyes. It was the same look Harry described the day her mother died. "What the fuck happened? Do you know who did this?" I asked. "I obviously got taken, and I killed the person who did this. I dont know the name, nor do I remember what he looks like." "Well, I don't think we need to worry. You took care of it." Fred blurted out. "Let me take her inside." Pansy offered. "No. I can go to my dorm myself." Roxanne shouted. "Are you sure sister?" Harry asked. "Yes. I'll be just fine." She pushed through Fred, and walked into Hogwarts. "I think she's on edge." Fred said.
I tried to catch up with her, and beat her to the Slytherin room. But on my fuck she's really fucking fast. When I finally got to the Slytherin room everything went wrong. "Oh hi Luna. I'm Blaise." "I know who the fuck you are. Where is Roxanne?" "I thought she went missing." Draco said. "We found her today, and she ran off. I'm wondering if she came in here." "I didn't see her come in." Enzo added. "Yeah. Me either." Theo said. "Oh she's here all right." Adrian blurted out. "Where?!" "I saw her go up in her dorm two minutes ago." Adrian said. "Can I go up there?" "I really don't know if you would want to. She looked like she was really fucking mad. I was going to ask her if she's okay. But I knew with her anger issues, that she would throw me across the room." Adrian said. "So I-." Before I finished my sentence. I heard screaming, and glass being shattered in Roxanne's dorm. I also heard crying, and hyperventilating as well. "Well shit. She must be in a bad mood." Enzo said. "No shit you dumb fuck." Draco shouted. The screaming got louder, and more horrifying. I was about to walk up towards her dorm, but I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. When I turned around, I saw Pansy standing behind me. "Let me go up there Luna. It will be much easier because I'm her roommate." "Will you tell me if she's alright?" "Of course I will." "Well holy hell. Looks like these two are about to make out." Theo blurted. "Oh piss off Theo!" "Im just saying I would be down to see that." Theo said. "Of course you would you fucking pig! Alright it's getting a little crowded in here. This room needs to be cleaned out." Everyone looked at her with confusion, and so did I. "What I'm trying to say is... Get the fuck out of here!" Draco and Enzo jumped. "Uh why? This is our common room as well Pansy-." Blaise said. "I said get the fuck out of here. And if you don't get the fuck out of here. And I mean all of you. I will feed your dicks to a blender." They all stood up, and walked out of the Slytherin common room. "I don't have a dick." "I know you don't. But I need you to leave, because she will make sure that no one is in here." "Fine. Just please let me know what happens. I'm worried about her." "I'm worried about her too. Now go." I almost walked out, but I had one more question. "Uh Pansy?" "Yes?" "Why did the guys think we were about to kiss?" "I came out as gay a few months ago. And now whenever they get an opportunity to be annoying. They'll take it." "Does it bother you?" "No. Because I rule the fuck over them. So they make sure they don't say anything too extreme. Besides I know they're just kidding, because I put them under truth serum to make sure." "That's creative. Good on you Pansy." "Thank you. Now go!" "Fine I'm leaving." I walked out the door, and saw all the boys standing by the door. "We didn't make out because I'm straight dip shits." "Oh we were just playing." Adrian said. "Yeah but I wouldn't take your chances with Pansy. I'm pretty sure she will feed your dicks to a blender." They all looked at each other, and ran down the hallway. "Fucking idiots!"