Best Life

Chapter 1

Katie

I gently lay down on the cool grass, resting my head back on my arms, my chest rising and falling quickly. The sun is warm and bright and I can smell the intoxicating scent of the roses that I am surrounded by. These botanical gardens, located not far away, nestled at the north end of the park, have been the place I go when I need a moment. When I need somewhere quiet and calm. When I need to gather my spiralling thoughts. Roses have always been my favourite flower - Granny was mad about them and had the most magnificent, crazy garden crammed full of every coloured rose you could imagine. The scent washes over me, as I close my eyes, try to catch my breath and will the pain away that is crushing my heart.

Nate and I have been together for almost a year. He's a few years older than me, and I wonder if that's why I never saw it coming? Because I'm young and stupid and naive? Never quite good enough apparently...although I thought things were okay. Not great. I was trying to make things better. Make myself better. Love him better. But it's so hard. Hard when I can't quite control where my head is. I know I'd been a bit withdrawn of late. But a week or so of distance, so I could try and get myself in a better place was obviously all it took for him to... just give up on us. I don't really know anything about what our relationship meant now. Perhaps he wasn't fully there at all for me or for us. I know my anger can be too much. It seems to be the main emotion that rules over me. But fuck, I didn't deserve that did I? Had a nice idea to bring over dinner to surprise him, make up for the divide I'd created, only to walk in on that. The image will be burned into my brain forever...treasured boyfriend and friendly new neighbour naked and screwing in our bed. Our bed. Nate and me. Not Nate and her. And stupid Katie standing there, mouth gaping open like a fool.
A fool.
Surprise alright.
How the fuck do you come back from that?

You run. And run.
Fast.
Until you can't.
And your chest heaves in pain as you try and suck in more air to keep your lungs from exploding.

So here I am, lying on the god damn grass, wondering... what now? Where to go and what to do? Somewhere that I can be as angry as I want, without repercussions or consequences. Where no one can hurt me more than I already am. Where I can wallow in the darkness and pain of my losses. Alone.

My sorrow over Nate and his actions slowly drain away to a trickle and all that's left is more anger.

Why can't people just be fucking honest when they have your heart in their hands? He could have just told me I was too much. I know I am. Told me that he couldn't take the distance even though I was trying to make myself be better. Been a fucking real man and told me to my face. I would have been temporarily heartbroken for sure, but at least I would have respected him and walked away with some of my dignity in tact. I grab the grass underneath me and wrench a handful out of the ground, gritting my teeth together hard. My other hand furiously wipes away the tears that I am wasting on that cheating shithead.

My emotions are a scattered mess and I can't really get a hold on anything except feeling like I'll never be good enough... for anyone, with all my faults and failures. Just altogether too much. I cringe at myself for not realising sooner that things between Nate and I were unsolvable.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm angry that I could be so stupid.
I'm stupid that I am so angry.
What a cluster fuck.
I feel pretty much worthless in this moment.

A few hours go by, as I formulate a plan and try and focus on what is going to be best for me. My clothes are slightly damp from the grass, my bare skin is itchy, my face is probably swollen and red. The sun is setting and I need to get up but I don't know if I can move just yet. Take a deep breath. Smell the roses and just breath. And be angry. Focus on that. It's worked for a long time so why fight it? It's really all I have left to feel.

Fuck him.
Fuck her.
Fuck them.
My heart is mine and I'm going to protect it going forward. There's some scarring around it right now but I will not let it be damaged like that again. Lock it up and throw away the key. It's about me now. And what I want for me and what I need for me.
No-one else.
Just me.
Time to get my shit together and move the fuck on.

First I need to collect the few things at his place, then get the hell out of there. I'm really hoping the fuck fest has finished and I can get in and out as fast as possible. I'm terrified it's not and an ugly confrontation awaits, but I have no choice but to just get this over with.

I climb the stairs and turn to face the apartment door, taking quiet small steps as I desperately try and control my breathing. I'm nervous. I press my two hands shakily on the door and lean closer only to hear a female voice followed by a deep, genuine laugh. It's a sound I haven't heard from him in a while and it hurts that he's gifting that so easily to someone he cheated on me with. A virtual stranger. More tears fall and I let them, even knowing that what we had wasn't worth that much to him. I turn and glance down at the floor next to the door, and my heart shatters just that bit further. My previous resolve crumbles. My belongings from the apartment have been dumped into garbage bags, ready for me to collect.

There'll be no yelling or pleading or apologies. There'll be no remorse or excuses or crying. There's just nothing.
That's what I'm worth at the end of this relationship.
My thoughts and feelings mean nothing.
My opinion and viewpoint has no value.
My heart hurts at being so disregarded that I clutch at my aching chest and fist my shirt.
My head drops and I accept that my self worth couldn't be any lower than it is right now.
Perhaps that's all I deserve.
Just maybe, my influence on the world around me and the people in it, has never mattered.
That I don't matter.

I ignore the garbage bags and walk back down the stairs.

I have been completely and utterly dismissed.