Best Life

Chapter 41

Katie

Me: Okay.

Four little letters. And my world spirals into a deeper turmoil than I thought possible. I'm so nervous I could throw up. I would normally just summon my angriest feelings and bring them right to the surface, ready to throw them straight back at Adam. Hurt him before he can hurt me.

But I can't.

I just feel so defeated. Hopeless. With a sense of dread, I realise what I'm about to lose. It's because he has taken all of my anger away and I no longer use it as a defensive tool to protect myself. I've let him slowly but surely into my life and my heart. I've allowed myself to go down a path I didn't think was ever going to happen to me. And now it's about to be ripped away. How fucking perfect. To realise too late how I truely feel about this incredible man to only let my stupid problems destroy everything good in his life and then in turn it's going to destroy me.

I pace around my unit unable to sit still. Waiting. Waiting for him to arrive and say his final words to me. I'm not sure if there's really anymore explanation for what I heard at the hospital, but if this is how he wants to end it then I have to let him have this moment. No matter how much it's going to hurt.

Knock.
Knock.
Knock.

I fight back another surge of tears, take a deep breath and slowly open the door. I can't bring myself to look at his gorgeous face and those stunning eyes. The memories of getting lost in his stare is just too much for me. So I look at his chest. It's caving in and expanding out rapidly which makes me think he's nervous about what's going to happen.

"Can I... can I come in?" That deep voice is something I'll miss so much.

There's a lump in my throat preventing me from speaking so I just nod and open the door wider for him to come inside. He takes a few steps in and turns back to face me. I close the door behind me and lean against it. I'm grateful for the hard surface at my back as it's helping keep me upright. I can feel him looking at me. Drawing me in. Demanding my attention. I reluctantly look up at him and his face softens. He gifts me a small tired looking smile. God he's so beautiful. He glances down at my bandaged hands and frowns slightly. The lump in my throat is becoming painful. The tension I'm feeling is just fucking awful and the only thing I can do is to get this over as quickly as possible.

"I'm sorry," we both say at the same time. God it's so awkward.

He takes a slow cautious step towards me and I become flustered.

"Can I... can I just... hold you?" My emotions are in such turmoil that I can only look at him.
Lost.
I feel so lost.

He takes another careful step as if at any second I'll run. Because of course that's what I do, isn't it?

I run and run and run.

Run away from my problems and the pain.
But it just fucking finds me again and it gets worse each time my shit catches up with me. But right now I just don't have anything left in me to run. So I let him come to me so I can selfishly feel him one last time as he says goodbye. His arms wrap around me, his buries his face in my hair and he draws my body as close to him as possible.

"I'm so fucking sorry Katie," his voice croaks. I can't respond even if I wanted to.

"Please let me just explain," he sounds... well... desperate. I nod my head and he steps back but reaches down and tenderly holds my hands, being so gentle so he doesn't hurt my cuts. He stares at them with such intensity.

"I don't take back anything I said," he says forcefully looking at me square in the eyes.

That hurts.

God what is he doing to me? I try stepping back but he won't let me go.

"What?" I'm pretty sure I misheard him. Is he just driving the point home that we're through?

"Everything is about to change and I know that's probably pretty scary right now but fuck, Katie. I'm so ready to do this." I have no idea how to react to that. I'm so hurt. And confused. Why do I need to hear this? Again? My heart can't take it.

"I don't...," I try and make sense of what he is saying. He puts a finger up to my lips and stops me saying more.

"Sam is sick and that's mostly on me. She has really been pushing herself too much and I should have been paying attention."

"But I....," I try and apologise for distracting him from his responsibilities to his family. He immediately places his finger back on my lips cutting me off again.

"But we have the perfect cure and I'm so excited to get her away from all the fucking doctors and tests - it's always too much," he sounds... well... excited. I'm still confused. The doctors are too much? I know I was too much. His words don't really explain anything and so they're just hurting me all over again.

This time I wrench my hand away and push past him. I walk to the kitchen which puts the bench between us. I need a barrier. Some space. Some safety.

"I understand," I say quietly and I try so hard to stop the tears coming but I feel them trickling down my face.

He looks at me with such sadness and I have to cover my eyes, my chest is heavy and I'm feeling like I'm about to crumple to the floor. He's suddenly at my side and holds me steady.

"Katie."

"Katie, look at this," he's fumbling with his phone and shows me a photo. It's a house. A beautiful house. By the ocean.

"This is our place. Me and Sam's. My parents bought the block years ago and wanted to build a beach house for us all. Sadly they never got the chance to enjoy it with us. But I got the house built and now it's where we go when we need to rest and recover. It's our special place. It makes us feel somehow closer to mum and dad. It's like they're there with us. Healing and helping us when we need it most. No-one's ever come with us. Ever. Not friends or anyone. It's just for us. That's where we're going....

....And we want you to come too." He smiles at me with a look in his eyes. Hope.

I blink. I blink again. I try and wipe the tears away from my face. I must be the stupidest person on earth as my tiny fucking brain still can't comprehend what it is that he's trying to say.

Adam moves me right in front of him and smiles widely. He gently takes both my injured hands in his.

"I'm so fucking sorry you heard what you did. I'm so fucking sorry it went so wrong so fast. I can't even imagine..." his phone rings and he looks down at it. He grins.

"It's for you," he holds up the phone. It's Sam FaceTiming. I sigh and take the phone and accept the call.

"Katie! Katie! We're all going to the beach. We have to pack. I'm so excited!"

She has the most gorgeous smile on her face. Is this actually real? Had I really heard her say that she wants me to join them? I turn to Adam, still confused but feeling like maybe... just maybe... I had got it fucking terribly wrong and everything would be okay.