Best Life

Chapter 30

Adam

Well the dreaded day has finally come. I stare up at the blank white ceiling of my room. The weight of feelings seem to press down painfully on my chest but I shake away the feelings of hurt, sadness and despair. I try and refocus on being grateful for what I didn't lose on that terrible night that changed our lives forever.

One drunk driver.
Four lives lost.
One brave survivor.

I relax my face and take a deep calming breath, slowly exhaling and expelling the sadness. There will be the inevitable shedding of tears today as we remember our beautiful parents. The happy times that we had with them in our lives, the way they loved us with everything they had and how they loved each other with just as much. Those memories are so important to us now, and although they are very precious, we are humbled to share them with each other and our closest friends. It is with their generous hearts and the love and care they have for my sister and I, that we'll get through the day. The ache in our chests will still be there but will be bearable at least.

I can hear Sam cluttering about in the kitchen so I throw on some sweats and wander downstairs. She hears my thudding feet and looks up with a small strained smile and fidgeting hands. Her big beautiful eyes are shimmering with a few unshed tears so I go to her quickly and wrap my arms around her tightly. We stay safely in each other's embrace and let the tears fall. I whisper quietly to her how much I love her and how proud I am to be her brother. We sway slowly together to a silent song and stay in this moment together, as long as we both need. She nods and sniffles, pulling away slightly to look at me, raising her finger to wipe away my tears. I do the same for her and she finally gifts me a bountiful smile, one so amazing it transforms her whole face. Her expression says more than words ever could, that her love for me is endless, as is mine for her. We miss our parents dreadfully but we are grateful beyond words to still have each other.

Later I venture back upstairs to shower, hitting the remote for the blinds, to let in the bright sunshine. It makes me feel like the sun is chasing the dark, depressing shadows of grief away, making today more about sharing the happier times than drowning in the despair of loss.

Friends and extended family bring flowers, food, warm embraces and reassuring words throughout the day and into the afternoon. I can't help but check my phone from time to time and although there's nothing to see, I can't not send off a few messages to the one person I'd love to talk to more than anyone.

I haven't heard from her very much lately and I don't want to think about the 'why' too hard today, of all days.
We all have shit to do right?
We all get busy sometimes right?
I fucking hope I'm right.
I just fucking miss her.
Miss my Katie-girl.

I just know in my bones that today I'd wish for nothing more to bury myself in her arms, smell her sweet hair, get lost in those eyes, touch her soft skin. But she's not here. She's not responding to any of my messages. She's shutting me out of something but I have no idea what. I wish she wouldn't do that. I wish she'd trust me that little bit more. To let me support her and be that stable, honest rock whenever and however she wants. I wonder when and if she'll be ready for that because I want to be there for her so fucking bad.
Maybe tomorrow.
Or the day after that.
Or next week.
Who the fuck knows?
I'll wait.
However long it takes.

In the early evening Sam and I make our way to the cemetery to visit the grave site. Sam brings candles and a framed photo of us to place on the graves. On Sam's insistence I bring every coloured rose known to mankind. It's a beautiful rainbow and despite the solemn memories, the colours bring a smile to Sam's face. We spend some moments talking to our parents, quiet murmurs reassuring them we are both doing well, we are safe and happy. We leave our gifts behind, content that we have honoured their lives in a way that would make them proud. My hand links with Sam's and we intertwine our fingers as we slowly stroll back to the car, the touch comforting us both, bringing us both back to the gratefulness we feel to have each other. I briefly notice a young couple a short distance away, with their backs to us, his arm gripped tightly around her waist, holding her close as their heads bow down towards a set of headstones. It saddens me knowing that grief of losing someone all too well. At least they have each other's support as their body language clearly suggests love, comfort and reassurance.

I drop Sam at home, the pull of seeing Katie is all too difficult to ignore any longer. Despite the confusing silence from her, I can only try and help whatever it is that she is trying to deal with alone. To let her know that she can trust me with her feelings, her heart, her thoughts. That she doesn't need to worry about protecting herself because I'll never hurt her.

In one hand I hold a single rose and with the other hand I gently knock on her door... and I wait.