Best Life

Chapter 44

Adam

"Where's Katie?" I glance around but only see Sam who's looking at me with confusion in her eyes.

"Your phone. There was a message. I guessed it was Rhett and Katie checked. Now I don't know where she is," her eyes now full of concern.

My phone.

A message.

Oh fuck no.

I frantically search the house. She's not inside. That leaves the only options being the garden and pool. Unless she's left completely. I push through the back door and get to the covered deck area and I feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest. I can hear the quiet breath's and sniffles before I even reach the lounges. She's completely covered by a blanket, hiding her head, her face, her heartbreaking tears, her fracturing heart.

And it's all on me.

Fuck. How many times had I told myself to just cut Jodie off and tell her outright that I wasn't interested? And now it was going to bite me on the arse. How could I even explain and justify how stupid I have been? Wishing it would just go away and I wouldn't have to deal with her unwanted advances. Wouldn't have to negotiate with her to only contact me when it concerned my sister. Would she even do that? I knew she had made Sam a special priority when she was first assigned her file, but was that just because of this thing she has for me? Would her care for Sam be less if I told her to stop with the flirting and messages and photos and discreet touches. Jesus I just didn't know. Right now I just have to focus on one thing. My Katie-girl. And hope like hell she'll stay after I attempt some sort of piss-weak explanation.

"Katie..." I say softly to the lump under the blanket as I sit on the opposite lounge.

She stills her sniffles and after a few seconds she flings the blanket off her and swings her legs around, her feet now touching the ground. Her back to me. So I can't see her face. She doesn't want me to see her. It could be because I don't deserve to, or she just can't bear to look at me. Probably both. She heaves in a deep shuddering breath, readying herself for this moment.

"Katie...I..." my words are stuttering and unsure.

"Are... you... seeing other people... as well as me?" Her words are scarily quiet and controlled. Her voice is deep and steady. She's demanding the truth out of my stupid actions.

"I...I... never... I... never thought..." My words are scattered and uncertain. My voice is raspy and lacking. I sigh deeply and run my fingers through my hair in frustration at my dubious response. Several more seconds pass as I try and gather myself to explain properly. She waits.

"I... didn't...umm...know how..." More indecision and doubt. She waits.

"Jodie... she just... she has...this...". More hesitation and unease. Why can't I just get something out that makes sense? I clamp my hands together nervously.

"It's a simple question Adam. That needs a simple answer but yet, you can't even give me that." She's seething and I can feel the burning anger flickering and blackening.

"I...need to... tell...". More faltering and confusion. She waits. I close my eyes and take a another deep breath. If I don't get this out right now I'll lose her.
And this.
And us.

"I need to tell you that...I never cheated on you. I...could...I could never do that." Fucking finally I get some words out. I stare at her back and her beautiful hair that I love.
She hasn't moved an inch.
She waits.
Waits for more.

"Jodie... she's the nurse. She's Sam's nurse. In charge of her file and her appointments and she gives the updates from the doctors and her tests."
I keep going.
Keep trying to explain how it fucking got to this.
This disaster.

"I know she likes me but I've just kinda ignored it and hoped she'd get the hint and leave it alone." When I say it out loud I sound fucking pathetic.

I wait.

"So when you see her, you are nice to her, without shutting down her interest, but not acting on it either." Katie's perception is spot on. I never planned on this getting so out of hand and hurting the one person that means so fucking much to me. I nod my head agreeing with her, although her back is still facing me.

"That's what happens...when I have to see her at the hospital or if I have to call." I make sure my voice is stronger, more reassuring that I would never act on Jodie's advances.

"So...let me get this straight. When you see her or have to call her, you pretend that you're okay with what she says and does, but you've never been honest with her about what you feel." She needs my reassurance that I don't feel anything for Jodie.

"Yes....yes that's it. I don't have feelings for her... I don't..."

"Is that what you're doing with me?"
She can't hide the simmering emotion in her voice.
The doubt.
The fear.

"Pretending?"

The word hangs heavily in the air, waiting for my denial but I'm shocked and the words don't come. She spins around and faces me and I see the pain in her eyes.
The regret is clear.
I'm speechless.
Fucking say something Adam.
Anything.
Fucking anything.
No words come though.
I can only stare at her hardening eyes.
The boiling, boiling anger.

Her voice is louder. More bite in her words. "You must be pretty fucking good at acting Adam. Your pretending has her pretty fucking convinced that you really want to fuck her. Your pretending had me convinced that...that...I...I almost...thought...." her voice cracks and fractures.

She stands up quickly, wiping her face angrily at any stray tears that may have fallen. She glares down at me. Her breaths coming quicker.

She waits.

"I... I... never meant to...this...isn't how I...". My heart is hurting and the pain has stunted any ability I have to convince her that she's wrong. So wrong.
That I was always, always honest.
Yet here I am.

You fucking idiot.

The realisation hits me. I lied to a girl I hardly know, to spare her feelings and avoid the harsh words of my rejection. Only to hurt the girl that has my heart because I wasn't honest in the first place.

So I guess she's not that wrong is she?

I have been pretending. I haven't been truthful to either of them. I stare back at her gorgeous eyes pleading without words that she gives me a chance to fix my fucking stupidity.

But I can see she's slipping.
Slipping away.

Her legs might not be carrying her away yet, but her eyes are showing me that she's shutting down. Protecting herself. I told her I'd never fucking hurt her. I begged with her not to run. But that's exactly what I did. I fucking crushed her. I selfishly reach for her hand, just to hold her for a second, but she pulls further away.

"You... you protected her. You didn't want to hurt her. I wonder if she'll appreciate what you did for her? That you spared her from the humiliation of her sharing more of her feelings for you when they weren't reciprocated. That she would be safe from the shame. Even if you weren't honest with her. You still believed you were doing the right thing by her. And when she finds out the truth...she'll walk away with the bullshit words you spoke....which now mean nothing....to her. Or to me."

She waits.

I know she's right. So what can I say? She's called me out on my shit. I created this fucking mess. I broke her trust even though I didn't lay a finger on anyone else. But my words did even worse damage, or my lack of words.

She waits.
I don't want to hurt her anymore so I regretfully look away from her eyes.
What can I say?
I look down at her feet.
She huffs. In anger. In hurt. In sadness.
In regret.
And walks away.

And I let her.