Under the Influence

Chapter 86

And so it began.

Kyle and I had our first baby appointment today and I couldn't be more excited. There was still this gnawing worry within me that stopped me from letting myself get too happy too soon. I was thrilled, of course, but there were still the what-if's to worry about. I don't know what the doctor is going to say. I took a ton more pregnancy tests, they were all positive but I still thought she could say there wasn't actually a baby or worse, I already lost the baby. And if that happened, I'm not sure how I could take it.

That's the thing about loss, it's never something you truly get over. With a reminder, that wound can be re-opened easier than the first time around. But we are always striving towards healing, one stitch at a time, one day at a time, and I felt mostly okay because something in my heart told me it would be alright.

There was this sense of comfort I found that I wasn't even looking for, but it just kinda showed up. If I had to guess, it was a reminder from our angel that he had it covered up there. And I believed it. So instead of crying like I initially wanted to do, I gently rubbed my stomach and took a look in the mirror. It was going to be fine.

So with confidence, I called out to Kyle, "Let's go."

Walking into the doctor's office was harder than I thought it would be. All of the memories from my recent time here was a lot for me to handle. My mind was clouded with doubts and worries once again as I remembered the tears streaming down my face and the pain that immediately found me from the doctor's words telling me my baby was gone.

My heartbeat started to quicken, my palms became sweaty and I wanted to turn away. I could only see and feel the trauma. I couldn't see or feel anything else and I didn't know what to do about it. How could I do this?

And then I remembered who always calms me, who is always there and loves me in every possible way. My Kyle. He sensed my nervous energy and his hand came up to squeeze mine, and he pulled me close to him, examining my face.

He didn't have to say anything, but he was searching my glassy eyes. Tears threatened to fall, but I swore I'd push through and I wouldn't let myself crack. I could do this, I knew I could. I kept my composure, taking deep breaths as I gazed sadly into Kyle's eyes. I still held guilt that he couldn't be with me when I was pregnant with Angelo and it was resurfacing in this moment as I was filled with immense gratitude for him being right here with me now.

My head met Kyle's shoulder as he soothingly rubbed over my hair, up and down, as I wrapped my arms around his strong body. I tried to envision what my therapist taught me. A few more deep breaths. Finding my happy place. Letting the good memories fill the hole in my heart.

"I'm okay," I whispered, peaking my head up from resting on Kyle's shoulder.

"You sure?" he asked, with one more stroke down my back.

"Yes, K. Let's do this," and I grabbed his hand once again.

"Alright," he kissed my hand that was intertwined with his and we walked inside, heading towards the waiting area for my doctor.

I felt like time ticked slowly by. All I wanted to do was receive confirmation. To receive affirmation that everything is going to be okay from someone that I know will tell me the truth.

Kyle did his best to distract my never-ending nerves. He drew circles on my leg, so I'd only concentrate on his movements and it helped for awhile, but then my mind drifted again. He tried to keep conversation going, talking about Amalia and her new favorite things. She was a lot like me as a child. We recently enrolled her in ballet and her first class is next week. She had been talking about it ever since she made a new friend in school that happened to be a little ballerina herself. She taught her how to do some of the moves and we found Amalia doing them in the house all of the time. I finally asked her if she would like to join her friend's class and she was overjoyed, beyond excited to try it out. I was excited for her. I really was.