The Princess and I

Chapter XXV: Christina's birthday ball

Although my nightmares about the French cellar have not returned after my visit to the cottage, I don't sleep well at all. I blame it on my illness, during which I slept more hours than I had spent awake. But secretly I know better. Since the discovery of my feelings for my best friend, I am constantly in a conflict. The question with me is not "to be or not to be". In my case it's more "to love or not to love?" One moment I am thinking I should just try to forget my feelings for Christina in the hope they will simply fade away. The next moment I can't wait to tell her about how I feel and am I willing to work things out with her.

This is what people mean when they say they are torn apart. I am torn apart by my reason and my heart. While the former says I must be the woman I was brought up to be, the latter tries to convince me I must fight for love, since it is within arm's reach. But whom should I listen to? When I choose reason, I will be safe. Both society and God will not punish me and my family's reputation would be saved. But I would remain incomplete, not able to love Liam as much as I care for his sister. This option would definitely lead to me resenting him in the end and being unhappy for the rest of my life. When I choose my heart however I will learn what it is to love someone. I will be complete and know what true happiness will be like. But in the meanwhile, all I get is love, because my parents and everyone I know will shun us. So, to love Christina means to be alone. Who's the best guide on this dark path I am walking on?

When I sit down at the breakfast table I am silent. More silent than usual and it begins to show. Both my parents and Naomi ask me if something happened at aunt Emma's party? Didn't I enjoy myself? And while I can convince papan and maman by saying I am just tired as a result of my recent illness, Naomi seems to see right through me. She keeps an annoyingly close watch on me thereafter.

Since we are all invited to Christina's secret birthday party, we go to London today to pick up a new dress for the occasion. So, the whole family leaves after breakfast for the capital, Nicholas and his wife together with Elias in their own carriage. While my mother and sister are discussing what kind of dress they will wear for this occasion, I silently stare out of the window. My father looks at me worried and tells me: 'When you're too occupied to talk about a new dress, then something really is bothering you.'

'Nothing to worry about, papan. I am just trying to figure out what to buy the Princess for her birthday.'

'What's wrong with the usual presents? Flowers? Jewellery? Dresses? Shawls?'

I scowl. 'Papan, I want to do something from the heart. After all, she is to become my sister-in-law pretty soon.'

'Women,' my father sighs. 'Just as I think I understand you, you surprise me once again.'

I smile, but then sink back in my own thoughts. Since I am the Princess' best friend, I get to pick a dress first at Madame Bourgène's dress shop. After trying on different dresses I choose a lovely violet dress with a lengthened bodice, which was boned in the seam and of which the angular form was accentuated by braces and pelerine. A curving waistline there is also and so is a high round neckline and narrow sleeves with an oversleeve on my shoulders. After Naomi starts to fit a few dresses, I ask papan to allow me to go to St. Paul's cathedral since I feel the need to pray. Although it is an unorthodox request, since I only visit the church during masses, my father cannot refuse me praying to the Lord, so he orders Nicholas to join me, since Nicholas is done picking out his evening wear as well.

We take one of the horses of Nicholas' landau and ride to St. Paul's Cathedral, which is only a couple of blocks away. There are many people in this part of London and it takes us no less than ten minutes before I see the magnificent height and white colour of the cathedral. As always I look at the enormous cathedral with awe, while it grows in size as we come closer.