The Princess and I

Chapter XLVII: This is the end

It's been a week since Naomi passed away in which time an awful lot had to be arranged. I never knew someone dying would need so many arrangements. When would we want to bury her? At what church would the mass take place? In which cemetery would she find her last resting place? Since we left the graves of my grandparents in Paris, she could not be buried next to them and we had to look for a new perfect spot to make her mausoleum. I really thought it ridiculous and a bit lurid to stroll around the graveyard and look for a beautiful place to bury my sister as if we were looking for a new house or something. It makes me sick.

I often remain in my room during these discussions, since I don't care about any of these things. Naomi was dead. Her spirit had left this damned place to join our grandparents in the afterlife. What would happen to her remains now, is a matter for the living and since I don't feel like living at all, I couldn't care less about the preparations for her funeral. In the end the outcome would stay the same after all: I would bury my little sister. She would not come alive miraculously because of a perfectly arranged funeral. She would stay dead no matter how beautiful her resting place would be.

My condition remains the same therefore. I am listless. I feel numb. And the only thing I do is lie in my bed staring at the ceiling, refusing any hot meal brought to me and refusing any company who wants to see me. And when I say any, I mean any. I don't allow my family in my bedroom, I whisk Alice away more often than not and I even ignore Christina's multiple attempts to get me to leave my room. I just want to be left alone. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't want to see anyone and especially not the woman, who I am obliged to push away anyway.

But finally after a long week Naomi's funeral arrives. The first time in days I call Alice to my bedside and allow her to dress me in black completely. My housemaid wrinkles her nose when she opens the curtains and all of my windows. 'I left you like this a week ago, Miss. And if I'm being totally honest with you, then I must say that it smells now like this as well.'

'I didn't feel like cleaning with my sister dying,' I mumble.

'Or perhaps you didn't bother due to other reasons?'

I open one eye disturbed. 'What do you mean?'

Alice sighs. 'Nothing, Miss.'

'If there's something on your mind, then please feel free to tell me.'

'I will one day, Miss. But not right now. It's your sister's funeral after all.'

She dresses me swiftly after scrubbing my body, until my skin burns. And after she's done my hair, I walk downstairs for the first time in a week. My father is barking orders to our servants, while my mother looks to the ground not seeing anything. Dark circles are underneath her bloodshot eyes. She still looks like she's in some kind of shock. I sit down next to her, joining her in stupor.

After a while my father brings my mother to the carriage, while Elias guides me. He rides with us today, while Nicholas takes his own carriage with his wife and children. I see their brown gold stagecoach in front of us. The swaying of the carriage soothes me into a restless sleep.

In front of Saint Mary's church we gather to receive the condolences of our family, friends and neighbours. I only nod from time to time when receiving their well-wishes. I have neither the strength nor the energy to do something else. I am completely numb. I can't even cry anymore. I haven't shed a tear, since I've said goodbye to Naomi in her room. Really, it feels like I'm not really here anymore. I mean my body is, but it's as if my spirit has left my body and is looking down on it with sympathy instead of really living the thing.

Even when Mary-Ann embraces me intensely, crying as well, I don't wake from my stupor. She tells me how sorry she is and how grieved Helena is, who follows her big sister crying and is looking very pale indeed. In the back of my head I realize Mary-Ann should have been a married woman by now, but the Morningtons clearly have postponed the wedding for a month to give our family time to mourn and to pay their respects in that way. I know I should thank my friend for such a grand gesture, but even that was too much to ask for.