Backstabber (Five Hargreeves x Reader)

Five in Wonderland: The Grinning Cat

Five came upon an open place with a little house in it about four feet high after walking for awhile. Five thought, 'Whoever lives there, I can't go to them when I'm this size. I'd probably scare them to death and all I want is to have a neat conversation with at least one normal person.' So he began nibbling at the right hand bit again till he had brought himself down to nine inches.

Suddenly a footman with the face of a fish came running out of the woods and knocked loudly at the door. It was opened by another footman but with the face of a frog. The Fish Footman began by presenting a letter, saying in a solemn tone, "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet." Then they both bowed low.

When the Fish Footman was gone, Five went cautiously up to the door and knocked. At that moment the door opened and a large plate came skimming out. Five gasped and ducked, watching the plate break to pieces against one of the trees. He stood back up, straightening up his uniform to be more professional, then went straight ahead into a large kitchen that was full of smoke.

A familiar brunette girl wearing a big puffy, layered dress was sitting on a stool with a large headdress on her head. It was Tana! Five looked over to the strawberry blonde cook who was leaning over a large cauldron, stirring what seemed to be soup. Five recognized her as Tana's right hand woman, Melanie. She wore a white bonnet but many long, messy locks of her ginger hair had fallen out of it. Her dress was much more peasant like and dirty with a low collar that revealed her large cleavage.

Tana the Duchess was nursing a baby and occasionally sneezed as there was so much pepper in the air. Even the baby was sneezing and howling alternately without a single pause. "I think you got a little too much pepper in that soup." Five snarkily remarked.

The only two creatures in the kitchen that weren't sneezing were Melanie the cook and a large purple and hot pink striped cat with bright yellow eyes that was sitting on the floor of the fireplace and grinning from ear to ear. "Why's your cat smiling like that?" Five asked with his hands back in his pockets. "She's a Cheshire Cat." She said with violent hatred, clearly directed toward the cat, due to not being fond of the cat at all for envy reasons.

Melanie the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire and took a whiff of it, making an overwhelmed face. "Woah! Smells like dick cheese! Then your Ace ass wouldn't like it!" She said with her naturally loud voice followed by a cackling loud laugh.

Tana growled and stood up from her seat, forcibly flinging the baby in a blanket into Five's arms. "Hold this!" And at once set off to work throwing everything within her reach at the cook. "Shut your disgusting, perverted mouth!" The voluptuous cook laughed, thinking they were playing a game, and started throwing kitchen tools at the fuming brunette.

Objects and utensils were flung back and forth across the kitchen and Five, with the baby still sloppily cradled in his arms, ducked when a frying pan came flying toward his head. "Hey, watch it!" He yelled.

Tana ran to Melanie and started shaking her back and forth by her neck. The cook's tongue slid out as her cheeks burned red and her eyes crossed. Tana the Duchess gagged and pushed her away before she said, "I don't have time to deal with your gross nonsense! I have to go and get ready to play croquet with the Queens!" And she hurried out of the room.

Five looked down at the baby still wrapped up in his arms and squinted at it. Hair started growing out of the baby's face and its features shifted to one's of a baby monkey. "Pogo?"

The poor thing was sniffling and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so he carried it out into the open air. The little thing groaned and Five looked very anxiously at it. "Pogo? Can you talk too like the other animals?" Pogo started grunting more aggressively and Five's eyebrows furrowed. The monkey suddenly started throwing a tantrum as it screamed and scratched at Five's arms, making him drop it with a hiss and a yelp. He massaged his left shoulder and watched it run into the woods making monkey noises.