Remember When ↠ l.p.

Uncertainty

"I think you made a good call." mom reassures me "And I don't mean just that you dialed the phone very cleverly. I think it was great how you handled him and kept your composure."

"Did I? It didn't feel like it." And it still doesn't because while I may have sounded steady and sure, I wasn't. Is it really right for me to demand that Paddy tell me? I feel I should know, but in the end shouldn't it be Liam's decision if it's part of how he's dealing with grief? I certainly don't think that it was fair to turn the tables on me, pushing me away one minute then asking me to bring Tessie home again. It's something that's out of his control I suppose, but it's hard to have things so hot and cold. 

Along with the feeling of being jerked around, I'm not sure that I'm ready. Even to see the house again. Maybe that's just me being whiny and digging my heels in, but I honestly feel like I need more time to let things settle, to adjust, and to bring myself in check. I look around the room. The past week when I've spent most of my time in here has not been the cleanest. I put things off until they build up, I only clean the mess when I can stand it no more. Once I've cleaned it all up and improved where everything goes...well it takes a few days to get used to where I've relocated things. I feel like it's the same with this argument with Liam and the old "injuries" it brought back to the surface. I'm finally beginning to deal with them yet he wants me to step away in the middle of my cleaning frenzy to act as if the room is already clean and fixed. 

Neither of them realize how much the argument has hurt me, I think. 

These have been short, sorry. I have an ending (sort of) but it's the getting there that's giving me trouble. SORRY >.<