Remember When ↠ l.p.

The session

It's a position we've both been in multiple times before. More times than we ever wanted to have been, but life happens doesn't it? Manages to worm it's way in and cause things to be exciting and wonderful but terrifying all at the same time. Unfair and impossibly blessing. Yin and yang. Mom doesn't look at me as she begins to ask the questions. I don't look at her as I answer. I drift into my mind, barely hearing or registering her questions. Neither of us really know how to explain it but this odd little therapy session helps us to get things out into the open and then we work through them I guess. Mom found out how well it worked to have me talk with little prompting as she wrote down things she felt were key. After I've gotten out all my frustration and used up all the words I want to on the subject she'll share her opinions and reassure me. I thank God she sat down with my by chance one day and this whole process was brought about. Otherwise I'd probably be drugged up on something, still wasting away in pain.

~

"How are you?" she asks Sad. I'm sad and I'm hurt and I'm lost. I think I'm spiralling into nothingness maybe. I don't want to be drifting away, I want to stay grounded and I need to for my daughter. I love my daughter, but I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm afraid that I won't be able to come back this time.

What made you feel this way? I was doing fine. I was doing better. I had begun to forget what he had said to me. What he had done to me. Time heals doesn't it? Kind time... I had used my time and was doing better. Then Liam came to visit one night when Tessie was sleeping over. I didn't know what to do or say because he was acting  crazy. I called Paddy and he was whisked away. He kept asking for Zayn I think, but I don't know why. I got so worried, I knew he was going through some hard times. So then the next day I was determined to ask him what was wrong and get answers. I was afraid he was on drugs to deal with the sadness. I didn't know it was worse. He talked like a madman again, but this time it wasn't confusion. He was very angry and very mean. I didn't know whether or not to believe him.

"And what did he say to you? What made you so upset that he did?" she probes It was several things. First he said that he couldn't stand to look at me. Then he struck out with his words, raising his voice and trying to sound intimidating. It worked. I was scared and I was sorry. He made me doubt everything I thought that I knew about him. He took me down from where I thought I stood and placed me on a lower level. He shoved me. He held my shoulders and shoved me, not unlike he used to. He yelled at me and told me I was the reason she died. He said that they knew everything. I felt like I couldn't breath. There's nothing more terrifying than being faced by someone who wears your friend's face but utters words they would never dreamt of saying. And for them to know everything that you wanted to keep hidden. To be so vulnerable and bare in front of them when they're trying to tear you down and hurt you. 

"And was that all he said?" she questions after letting me sit in silence, a tear trickling down my cheek slowly. He said they knew everything. He said they knew everything. I didn't understand how that could be possible. He acted like I had been a pity case to them. I didn't want to be. He threatened my job. Said I was a good worker but it was so much for him to bear. He ordered me to follow his rules or else I wouldn't have a job anymore. He said all these things without listening to a word I said, not really. He may have heard them, but he didn't listen. He didn't give me time to get a word in before he dismissed me as if I were far beneath him.

"And what did you feel as he told you these things?" she says it gently but I still wince. He made me feel little and powerless. I went there to try to help him. He repaid me with accusations and words that have become embedded in my head. I can't say I agree with him, I don't want to...but what if he's right? What if it's true? I felt so sorry for him and all he's gone through. He didn't even remember coming to my house the night before. He was so stricken my her death his mind is jumbled. It makes me wonder if he's imagined it. Tried to find someone to blame, something physical to hate. But I can't be sure one way or another because I know nothing. And I can't stop thinking and questioning and wondering and worrying and-

~

"Stop." she pulls my chin towards her and I see the little notebook lying beside her lap, closed. "I think that's enough for today." I nod, realizing that my cheeks have tear tracks running down them and that my hands are clenching my bed sheets. Yet, I feel lighter despite all the emotions I've just relived. All the things I've been forcing into repression are free and out now. My fears dancing on the winds. 

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