Remember When ↠ l.p.

A dose of reality

Throughout the rest of the night I unconsciously find myself watching Tessie. I want nothing more than for her to be happy, but realistically Liam and I aren't going to work. We're never going to be a real family like she might want. We'll have this, of course, meeting for dinner several times a week and Liam turning up at odd times to play with her. He'll come around and help with parties and surprises I make for the girls, whether it's trips to the zoo or simply their favorite ice cream flavor that I got at the grocery store that week. 

Liam will be around, but he's not going to be helping with bath time or stumbling into the kitchen with a cup of coffee and watching Tessie while I take Cailyn to kindergarten. That's not to say that imagining him being here 24/7 doesn't make my head spin and my heart beat faster, but it's not realistic. 

I need to write it down someplace where I'll see it daily, in bold print words reiterating what I keep trying to convince myself; it won't work out between us. If even mother can see that I shouldn't push for this right now, then surely anyone can see it's not right. Mother has been advocating for me to make a move on Liam since I first met him and while he was still married! She might not have been serious about it, but now she's changed her tune and it's enough to make me at least try to keep myself in check. 

The following days I try to work the courage up to speak to him about it. There are moments when we're alone that I almost tell him. I always stall too long and the moment is lost with Cailyn or Tessie breaking into our space and throwing a toy or drawing into our face clamoring for attention. I'm not sure if I'm thankful of their interruptions or not. I know that sooner or later I'm going to have to blurt out what Tessie is feeling and try to explain why I feel we should make boundaries or limit his visits. Perhaps I can let him keep her somedays, when he's settled down outside of the rehabilitation center. 

I know Tessie didn't mention anything about the two of us getting married or anything, but she watches disney movies it has surely crossed her mind. I tell myself that either way I needed to change things, because lately it's felt all too familiar and cozy. It's felt like home. I don't want to take that feeling away, but I fear that if I don't I'll get used to it and it'll be that much harder when it's ripped out of my life. So I'll do what I have to do...eventually. When the moment is right.