Remember When ↠ l.p.

Taking action

"Hi there," I greet Liam while still on the phone to my mother. "I'm on the phone but the girls should be playing somewhere, feel free to join in or not to. I should be off in a few minutes and the dinner is in the oven." I fill him in as I usher him in and shut the door behind him. I had hurried to get the door when I heard the doorbell ring a few minutes after he disappeared from the parking lot. 

"Of course, take as long as you need!" He smiles and starts removing his coat and kicking off his shoes, getting comfortable. "Should I check on the food if you aren't finished in a few minutes?" He teases.

"That's probably a good idea," I chuckle "Thank you!" I hurry back into my room, making sure to close the door behind me. I curl up under the covers and tuck my knees up under my chin. "Okay," I speak into the phone again. "I'm back." 

"How was he?" She asks curiously. 

"He seemed normal, honestly. He's almost like who he was before Sophia's death. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I look around and expect Sophia to come in from another room or speak up suddenly." I admit to her something that has happened several times in the past few weeks. Is it normal to remember her like this? I mean it makes sense, the only time that I ever saw her was when I was with him. It's not a stretch to see that being with him, especially when he's acting so similarly to how he did before, would remind me of her. 

"Is that hard on you?" Now she sounds slightly worried, something that she never let slip out when I was depressed and struggling with things. Does that means she trusts me enough to show her fears and concerns? I've asked her about it before, why she almost never cried with me or got freaked out by things that I said or did. She answered by telling me she would do anything to make sure I didn't get more scared. She wanted to hide her emotions from me to let me focus solely on mine. She switched the situation around and asked me what I would do if it were Cailyn, that helped me to see what she meant. There's almost nothing that I would do to keep Cailyn as safe as possible.

"It's hard, but not as hard as you might assume it would be for me. In fact it's almost relieving to remember her so unexpectedly. It's like I'm slowly getting used to thinking about her again without feeling a surge of guilt. But," I sigh and tilt my head back against the wall to stare at the ceiling. "then I look over at him and I wonder if the same thing happens to him when he's with me or Tessie or any of his family and friends. I'm sure he goes through memories of her on  a daily basis. That's what keeps holding me back mother. I know that he can't simply be over her so quickly."

"So you're just going to keep your emotional distance?" Whereas a question like this might-in some situations-come across a little skeptical, in this case seemed supportive. The more talks we've had and the more we've talked since I sort of 'forgave myself' the closer I feel us getting. They say the older you get the more you appreciate your mother and I couldn't agree more. It seems like I understand her better, some of her nagging and comments don't get to me the way they used to and, to her credit, she's not making as many of them. We're more equal and more understanding of each other.

"I am," I confess "but I'm also going to make a point to drop a couple comments about him being such a great friend. And I'll start pointing out when he says something kind of flirty or weird." I take a deep breath and promise with conviction, "I am going to keep my emotional distance because it's what's best for the both of us. And I am going to take action to make sure that the distance is kept, the emotional distance and some physical distance."

"I think you're making the right decision Izzy," my mother affirms my commitment. "I'm so proud of how strong you're becoming. I almost think that you don't need me anymore, you seem to be working things out wonderfully by yourself."

"Mother, I'll never stop needing you!" I exclaim quietly, trying to keep our conversation limited to the two of us. "These talks still help me so much, even I'm working things out by myself...well it's only because you help me to organize my thoughts and ask the right questions at the right time. So thank you."

"I told you that you don't have to keep saying that, darling." She laughs a little.

"I know, but I really am thankful for how much you've helped me through everything with Cailyn's father," I refrain from uttering his name. "and everything with Liam and Tessie. You've been absolutely wonderful." I don't know what I would have done without her. Or Cailyn. They're my rocks.

Although to be completely honest with myself, Tessie has become one of my rocks too.

And if I'm being a little silly and impossible...so has Liam.