Remember When ↠ l.p.

Finger Painting

In the end, I was very right to hold back from finger painting until I had something to go over the carpet. There isn't an area of the sheet that isn't colored in some way. Tessie has managed to get paint all over her legs and I've banned her from stepping off the sheet until she's finished. I'm planning on either grabbing wipes for her feet or making Liam carry her into the bathroom. I let the two of them start on their own, while I changed into messy clothes. When I came back half the canvas was already covered in paint, but Tessie was grinning so happily I didn't say anything. 

Since then, she's started letting the paint dry until she can layer more colors on top. Which in some cases (depending how thick the paint is) takes a while. In these pauses she took to swirling paint on her feet and then further up onto her legs. When I noticed I went and grabbed some construction paper for her to paint on. For the most part Liam and I have let Tessie do most of the painting. I've been "doodling" on some paper, not really focussing on making anything specific. Liam has some too, but he's been too busy watching Tessie and commenting on her artwork that he hasn't done much of anything himself yet. 

Since his weird comment in the kitchen, he's been normal and as he has been lately. Not quite the same as before but still himself. I've talked to the girls about it, I told him that he would be a little different. I told them that it's what life is, we grow and learn, just that Liam has gone through a lot all at once so the change seems very sudden. They seemed to understand the underlaying message; he'll be a little different but that's totally okay. 

I enjoy watching him compliment Tessie's painting and giggling with her when she swipes at him and gets paint on his nose. It makes me think that finally, things are almost normal again. Even if things never go back to normal, I'm so happy to see them as father and daughter. Bonding and getting messy, is there any better way to do it? 

"You look awfully pensive," Liam comments "are you alright?" He laughs when Tessie makes a face at the word he used.

"What?" She asks him. "What's 'pensive' mean? Does it mean mommy looks like a pen? Because she looks like a girl, silly!" She pushes his arm, turning part of his sleeve blue.

"'Pensive' means that it looks like I'm thinking a lot." I explain to her. "I was just thinking that I'm glad we're doing this. It's fun," I trail a finger down Tessie's arm, leaving a green streak on it. "but I am incredibly glad that I insisted on getting this sheet to protect the carpet. I didn't know finger painting could get this messy!" I wave my hands in front of my as proof, the palms a myriad of colors that streak down onto my wrist. 

"It's supposed to be messy!" She grins and high-fives me. "That's part of what makes it so fun!" 

"I guess that's true, isn't it?" I smile back and let her bring me over to show me her latest painting on construction paper. She's done more than the usually swirl of colors and handprints at odd angles. It's a picture of four people, two much smaller than the others. She's used several thumbprints to create their clothes and hair. There's blue paint smudged at the top of the paper to create a sky. "What's this?" I ask her.

"This," she says, pointing to the first of the larger figures. "is daddy. Cause he's got short hair," she explains. "This one," she gestures to the other large figure. "is you, cause you have long hair and a dress. I made it really special, like the gray one you wear sometimes. But I didn't have gray so I used black and white and mixed them. I think it's pretty close." 

"Let me guess," Liam says, leaning in to get a better look. "these two over here are you and Cailyn right?" He points to the two smaller figures. "This one over here is you because you have made your hair pink."

"That's right!" She claps her hands excitedly. 

"Pink hair?" I ask, confused. To my knowledge Tessie has never mentioned wanting to have pink hair before. 

"She told me in confidence that she would like pink hair someday." Liam tells me. "She didn't want me telling you in case you didn't like the idea."

"I think it's a great idea, but I think before we dye your whole head we should probably let you try dying the ends first." I laugh as Tessie nods eagerly. 

"This is lovely Tess," Liam says after a minute of examining the picture further. "It's the first family portrait I've had done of myself. If I'm honest, I couldn't think of anyone else I would to have done it." He kisses her cheek. His eyes meet mine over her head as he leans back and he offers a sweet smile.

"I agree, it's gorgeous Tessie. Would you like us to put it on the refrigerator or frame it and hang it on the wall?"

"I wanted to give it to daddy," she says softly, peaking at me from under her eyelashes. "so when he goes back to work he can hang it in his office and think of us." Liam looks so genuinely touched by hearing her say that that he leans over and pulls her into a hug and kisses her again.

"That's so sweet Tessie, I definitely think that we should do that!" Liam mouthes 'thank you' to me as he squeezes Tessie. I grin back at him and sigh happily. This is how their lives should have been, a little voice tells me. They should have been so happy and never have wanted for anything because their lives would have been perfect. Unfortunately, life happened. Or me.

I try to lock those thoughts up in a crevice of my mind and return to the wonderful moment at hand. I need to be focused on the now, not the could have been.