Remember When ↠ l.p.

Everything has changed

They all turn to look at me as Liam finishes speaking. Harry is the only one who looks remotely concerned for my predicament. I drop my eyes and avoid looking at Liam. I focus on the tiny, barely noticeable stain that's been in front of this chair for months. I scuff my toes over it though I know it won't come out. I've used almost every cleaning solution on the stubborn stain, but nothing has worked. 

It's just another impossible situation. 

How I feel is out in the open, it's been said clearly and it can't be taken back. There is no way for me to avoid it either. I nod slowly without looking up from my feet. I can't fake my way out of it. Well, I could...but I'm sure it wouldn't be believable. Why not let the natural course of things play out and just see what happens.

 But I'm not sure how or what to say to him. I don't see how I can know where to start when I don't even know how he feels. He's not really...reacted. He doesn't seem to be mad, but then I know he can hide it well. To be fair, I haven't yet looked up from the floor or gathered the courage to look at him.

I peak up at Harry's face, trying to discern what I can from his sympathetic smile when he catches me peaking. He mouthes "it's okay" to me. I clear my throat and readjust how I'm sitting, keeping my eyes mostly downcast.

That is, mostly downcast because I risked a glance over at Liam. To my surprise he still looks confused. In the quick glance I took, I didn't see any anger or disgust. More confident now, I meet his gaze head on. There's no discernible judgment or negative emotions in his facial expression or body language. He seems open and, still, puzzled.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He breaks the silence, speaking up suddenly. Louis and Harry's eyes dart back and forth between Liam and I. They're all waiting for me to reply, but I'm not sure how to. What do I tell him? I didn't think he was prepared for another relationship, I didn't think he was stable enough to move on? That I was scared? That I'm not ready for a relationship? The fact that I'm even in the same room with several of my teenage idols is weird enough, never mind that I'm developing serious feelings for one of them.

"I didn't want anything to change." I blurt out. "Everything was going so well. I didn't want anything to change," I repeat myself without realizing. "much like why you didn't tell your doctor about your urges."

"Now," Louis reprimands me "don't go bringing up the past against him. Stop trying to change the subject. No excu-" He's cut off when Harry places a large hand over his mouth and smiles sheepishly when his husband starts making sounds of muffled outraged.

"I'm not!" I protest, shaking my head. "I'm just trying to relate it. Help you understand my thinking." I finish weakly, knowing that I'm not making the best sense.

"You didn't want things to change?" Liam asks me. He focuses on me, completely ignoring Louis's grumbling and squirming against Harry's embrace. "What made you think that things would change? I am here to visit Tessie almost every day of the week."

"But we would be different." I motion between the two of us, struggling to think of the words to properly explain what I mean. "The atmosphere would be different and..." I trail off. I know exactly what I want to say, but is it the right thing to say? 

"Keep going," Liam encourages me as he leans forward to reach over and grasp my hand. Is it just me or is he being really okay with all of this? Could it be he feels something too? I take a shaky breath.

"Well, things would be different and there would be so much more to lose." I forge ahead, averting my gaze from him. It's easier to to say it when I'm not looking at him. "I could loose your friendship. If things go badly, what will happen to the girls? I don't want them to be exposed to any arguing," I pause "or even awkwardness between us."

"Are you so certain that we wouldn't work out?" Liam asks and I can't help but turn back to look at him. He sounds hurt. His eyes are shimmery and honestly, I've never thought of brown eyes being beautiful, but his are the prettiest I've ever seen.

"That's just it, recently when it comes to you, I'm not sure of anything." I confess.