Remember When ↠ l.p.

Support system

The next week passes in blur of searching online for traces of Hector in Australia and caring for the girls. Off and on, I accompany Liam to Colin's office. Mother and dad came up to stay two days after I called to tell them about the court notice. They've helped watch the girls and offering advice where they can. I'm very grateful that they're here, but having them here to watch the girls makes me feel a little useless. I'm caught between not being much help to Colin and Liam and not being needed to look after the girls. I think the distraction of keeping the girls occupied girls had been helping me more than I realized. I've also realized there's no point in lying to myself any longer, the thought of Hector taking Cailyn away from me is terrifying. The thought of Friday has started to make me feel nauseated and I'm finding it harder and harder to sleep at night. My fears often taking shape and playing out in my head too frequently to find the chance to fall asleep. 

In short, I'm not doing well and I'm scared. It's gotten a little easy to admit and that in turn has helped me stop bottling things inside. I've cried several times in mother's arms and twice in Liam's. I had to duck into the bathroom to hide my tears from the girls the other day. I don't want them to see me cry and get worried. I want to keep their lives as normal as possible. Even with Liam going to meetings so often, they seem mainly unaware anything has changed from a few weeks ago. I'd like to keep it that way, if I can. 

The change I've been going through is something that I don't have control over, unfortunately. I've briefly chatted with the therapist I was talking to. I've explained what I'm going through and how overwhelmed it makes me feel. She has helped me deal with my feelings and feel validated in them. In some ways, acknowledging to myself that I'm scared out of mind and shaken up by the court notice has helped me feel a little less out of control. I start to notice earlier that I'm beginning to get freaked out. I notice the symptoms before they can build up into a full blown sob session or panic attack. 

Having mother here to watch the girls might have left me without as much to distract myself with, but she has also been a great help. She can divert the girls attention when or if I need a moment to myself and she's someone I know I can always turn to for a hug or a shoulder to cry upon. Having my family around me and Liam with me has been amazing. They're helping me through my valley of shadows and death. I'm leaning on them and wondering how it's fair or how I'll ever pay them back. But they do it with a smile and never say a thing when I cry at the littlest thing, like Cailyn showing me a picture of a butterfly she drew. They don't say anything about me not being stronger, for Cailyn or myself or for their sakes.

I'm truly blessed to have them.

I just wish we had more time.