The Bucket List

Chapter-18

Walking on the sidewalk, I stop right in front of the main door of the college, feeling a mixture of emotions. There is doubt, guilt, and...fear. As usual, I'm early.

I push open the glass door, walking through the hallway filled with lockers on both sides; I make my way to my classroom. Walking to my and Alina's seat on the second last bench of the third row, I chuck my bag over the desk and leave the classroom and move towards the small temple in the lawn.

Joining my hands in front of Krishna, I pray for the two most important things. First; I want everything to get well between me and him. If for some heavenly reason I'm able to get a time machine, the first thing I'll do is to wipe that horrific memory for both of us.

But it wasn't horrific for me. It was blissful and the most superior emotion I have ever let myself feel. Damn, it was my first kiss.

Secondly; I want to get through my exams with flying colors at this hard moment.

Offering some marigolds to God, I return to my class and text Naina; 'breakfast's in the fridge. Then open the modern history for the last revision.

The campus begins to fill. The door opens with a stream of students with books.

And then I see him crossing my classroom door. He turns his head casually towards my classroom when our eyes meet. Within a short second, he turns his head away from me. Ignoring me Karan walks away.

Hurtful rejection starts surrounding me again. Tears well in my eyes, I let them fall on the last page of my book.

Rejection, I think I get this more often. Even that night.

Writing the last part of my answer I glance at the clock. Five minutes more. I crack my sore knuckles once I have completed revising my answers.

"Are you done?" Alina whispers in the silent exam hall.

I nod.

She looks at me with owly eyes and then gets back to her paper scribbling furiously. She spent the first half-hour, thinking about the answers she didn't know.

The bell rings and Professor Shekhar takes away all the papers.

"You coming?"

"I'm waiting for someone."

"Okay," Alina says and walks outside.

I begin to wait on the side of the hallway, staring up the stairs to the biology department. Exactly ten minutes later he climbs down. But he is not alone, he crosses me along with his gang, and not for a second does he is looking towards me. He pretends to talk to the other guys.

Getting worse eh?

No way he didn't I was here. I was here just here.

I walk in his direction. His friends have left and he is alone in the parking lot in front of his bike.

"Hey." I croak. I correct my tone. "Hey."

He freezes, breathes, and turns towards me. Doesn't say anything.

"How were exams?" I try a lamely.

"Good." He pauses and says, "what about yours?"

"Good", I mimic him.

He looks towards me but not at me. And then stares at the ground awkwardly.

"Karan I'm so sorry." I choke.

"No. no. it's not your fault. I should be the one to apologize. The other night I just lashed out. I was angry... but not at you." He says helplessly.

"Do you want to...discuss what happened?"

He stammers. "Mira...I...I.-

He stops and looks behind me. Naina comes jogging towards us. "Coffee today?"

Wrong timing Naina. Very wrong. I sigh in frustration and disappointment.

"Actually", Karan says, "I have to prepare for the next paper."

No. we aren't done. Not yet.

His bike speeds out of the main gate. Stop I wanted to say but couldn't.

"You coming?" She asks me.

"No. Thanks." I glare at her. She anyway pulls me along with her.

I swallow my anger to avoid bursting out at her. She doesn't even know what has happened. And I must not tell her too.

We all sit in CCD listening to Naina's journalism fantasies. Technically I am not even paying attention. Well not just me, even Dhriti looks lost.

"Everything fine?" I ask her not for asking's sake but because I want my attention to something else.

She exhales and gives a slight nod. I notice her baggy and dark eyes.

"Didn't sleep well?"

"It was cold last night", she says and tugs her sweater's sleeves which grab my undivided attention towards her bruised and cut hand.

"Are you fine?" I ask.

She pinches me and I realize that I may have said it out loud. Naina, Kyra, and other girls look at us with weird expressions. Dhriti mouth 'later' to me. I don't force her.

Back at home I still haven't got the peace of my mind. I stare back and forth between my copy of Delhi history and my cell phone. My palms twitch to grab the phone and call him.

I try to distract myself by looking out of the window.

My head snaps as the phone rings and Karan's name flashes on the screen. My heart skips a beat. Composing myself together I pick up in the last ring.

"Hii," he says.

"Hii" I repeat.

We both go silent on our respective sides. Our 'Hiis' hang in the thin air. I could hear the clock ticking on his side of the phone.

"It was a mistake." He says and my heart takes a moment. "I shouldn't have given mixed signals. I am sorry."

Yep, you shouldn't have come too close but no it wasn't a mistake. I realize this now. And it hurts listening that for him it was. "You have been ignoring my calls. Messages."

"I didn't know how to face. It was all so messed up." He is helpless. Again.

"Okay. I understand." Keeping the phone away from my mouth I sniff in my blanket. "So you don't love me?" I ask calmly.

He exhales but doesn't answer.

"I got it."

"Mira, please. You were my best friend always. And you cant be ...you aren't the one."

That one sentence injures me to the core. "Will we still be friends?"

"Of course." He emphasizes.

After a long pause, I finally ask the question that was eating my brain for so long. "Why did you write me back on the spring fest?"

"I didn't."

It's hard to process. Definitely, it's all messed up. I'm irritated and anguished. Moreover, I'm angry. "Okay. So you called for this?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"One thing more. Just don't hang up please." He takes a sharp breath. I prepare myself for something big. "I'm dropping out of communication classes."

"Is it because –

He cuts me off. "No. it's just those are elective classes anyway. I would spend that time preparing for my placement."

"Goodnight Karan."

My tone is venomousand my tears have dried up