SALVATORE #1: Loving the Prostitute

CHAPTER 44

"Hindi ba? O dahil isa akong bayaran? Maruming babae. Oo nga naman, masisira si Luca dahil sa'kin. Siya ang mas masisira sa aming dalawa. I am someone who has nothing to lose at all." Napahawak ako sa bibig ko nang kumawala ang hikbi roon.

Nasasaktan ako hindi dahil sa aalis na ako o hindi ako karapat-dapat kay Luca. Nasasaktan ako sa lahat. It's hurts. Knowing that I killed my father for the sake of my freedom.

Awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Dahil lahat na yatang mga kamalasan ay sa'kin bumagsak. Ano bang ginawa ko noon para maranasan ang mga ito? Gano'n ba kagalit ang Diyos sa'kin?

"Umalis ka na bago ka pa maabutan ni Luca," malamig niyang sabi at tumayo na. "I'll keep everything, just don't ever come back again."

Walang buhay akong napaupo. I really should get away. I don't trust her. Sooner or later, the whole world will know me again.

Takot ako. Takot na takot ako. Dahil may isang taong nakaalam ng pagkatao ko. Ng buong pagkatao ko. Pakiramdam ko nawalan ako ng buhay sa lahat ng nangyari.

I was so mad. I was mad of everything. I started questioning everything. Bakit ganito? Wala ba talaga akong karapatang maging masaya?

I was really desperate to be happy to the point that I killed my own father. I really want happiness. I really want to be free from pain so I did it. All my life, I live with pain.

"I'll take care of everything you needed. Just stay away from here. I'll give you money, I'll support your needs and wants. Everything. Just don't ever show your face again. I'll send money to your bank accounts."

Wala akong kahit na anong maramdaman. Namanhid na yata ako. Kahit sakit hindi ko na maramdaman. Tulala lang ako at hindi alam ang sasabihin at gagawin. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Ang nasa isip ko lang ay ang lumayo at hinding-hindi na magpapakita pa. Iyon naman dapat. I took the risk and I should have prepared myself for the worst. Pero hindi ko naihandang mabuti ang sarili ko. Naging kampante ako masyado. Hindi ko naisip na mapapaaga pa pala ang lahat.

I wiped my tears. I can't do anything now. Hindi ko na maibabalik pa ang lahat. I stood up emotionless and face Elme. "I'll leave right away. Tumupad ka lang sa usapan. Keep my secret and I'll stay away till your death."

I took my phone. Ito lang ang gamit ko rito kaya ito lang ang dadalhin ko.

"I'm a woman with her words." She turned her back and got out of Luca's condo.

I hope so. I don't trust anybody. Not even myself. Kaya ang kaya ko lang gawin ay umasa. Umaasa akong sana hindi niya sisirain ang sinabi niya. I'm so sick of liars. And she's not an exception. Anyone can lie. And she could.

I didn't bother fixing myself. Lumabas lang ako mula sa condo ng wala sa sarili. My mind was flying somewhere. I don't know where to start again.

I'm on the very top again. What now? Start building myself again and just live. Ang tinayo kong sarili ko ay natibag na naman. Pang ilang beses na bang natibag? And I don't know if I'm strong enough to rebuild myself again. I'm so sick of doing it again. I kept doing it but I always fail.

I was walking on the side of the road. I don't even know where I was going. Kanina pa pala ako naglalakad. Saan na ako pupunta ngayon? I only have my phone and wallet.

I don't have a problem with money. I have still money in my own bank account and Elme will send some. My problem was how to rebuild my life again. Kung hindi pa rin para sa'kin ang kamatayan, hindi ko na alam kung saan pupulutin.

I can't go back in my apartment. Doon ako unang hahanapin ni Luca kung sakaling nalaman niyang wala ako sa condo niya. I stopped when someone beeped their car so loud. I looked back and saw a black car. I was out of my myself staring at it.