Are You Okay? | SoonSeok ✓

Chapter 11

I felt weaker and weaker every single day. Our debut was closer and closer. I sighed heavily and looked through the window, sitting on my bed. I was listening to sing of birds. Their singing has been so reassuring. I closed my eyes for a while. Why me? All have been such amazing dancers, rappers, vocalists, and visuals, and what about me? I've been trash, nothing else. I didn't deserve to be here with them. Nobody has known my past. I've lied to them all to protect them from me.

I pulled up my sleeve, looking at my hand. The scratches didn't recover at all. Today, a couple of members were returning to family and me? No, I couldn't. I was a disappointment for them. For my mother the most. I hated my father, but I was trying to look nice in front of my mother. She loved my father a lot and I didn't wanna hurt her cause I loved her. But now, everything has been just a past. She hasn't been there anymore. She's been gone forever.

I closed my eyes once more for a while, then I opened them again with a deep sigh. I realized I was all alone in my room. I got up, walking slowly into the bathroom. I didn't even know what I was doing, I just took a razor blade in my hand and pulled my sleeve up once again. Suddenly I felt dazed. I didn't do it for years. But somehow I needed it right now. A couple of dark thoughts have surrounded me. My head was spinning.

After a while, the door loudly opened. "What are you doing, Soonyoung!?"

I flinched a bit and threw the razor blade away. He grabbed my shoulder and with a flinch, he turned me to him. I was looking into his chest, my tears were streaming my cheeks.

"What did you even think!?" he was shouting at me. "Answer me, Soonyoung!" he kept shouting. 

My body was shaking under waves of tears. He deeply sighed, grabbing me by my shoulders and pulling me into a warm hug. I really needed to feel his warm body. It was reassuring to me.

"What did you think, Soonyoung? Why did you want to do it to yourself? Why?" he whispered into my hair.

"I- I don't even know," I whispered back into his chest, still shaking. I couldn't stop my tears at all.

"Tell me, why did you wanna harm yourself?"

I shook my head. "I told you, I don't know..." I said with a weak voice. I grabbed him by his t-shirt tightly. I didn't want him to leave as everyone before. I hated myself for crying in front of him. Looking so weak.

"I'm sorry, Seok..." I whispered with a tired voice.

He started caressing my hair gently. "I'm here, Soonnie. Don't cry anymore, please..."

I felt his warm breath on my face. I slightly smiled. He's been always there for me. He's always taken care of me. And what about me? I didn't even appreciate it at all. He hasn't deserved me. I'd been all alone as always. Everyone had left me, why not you?