One Million Tiny Things

Dear Delivary Guy

Dear postmates guy,
Hi....
How are you?
Okay make that, who are you?
I really do apologise for this mysterious letter but I need you to do me a favour.
Who am I?
I'm Glenda Thompson, a 22 year old college student. There, I'm not a serial killer nor am I a lunatic who addresses letters to random people I don't know.

Recently, I had a rather sudden break up with my boyfriend, Aiden. Swoon alert! Honestly, dude, you have to see him to understand me. He's super buff with these delicious looking muscles and...

Okay, I'll stop before you drop this letter and dismiss me as crazy.

Anyway, he's "in love" with this new transfer student, Julia. Apparently she's the light of his life. That statement made it pretty clear that I'm the darkness holding him back. Well, fine, lover boy, go after your new flame but remember that you only see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're dead. I'm a delight, aren't I?

Being the empathetic understanding girl I am, we peacefully broke up so he could chase after the girl of his dream.

Just kidding. I dropped a full dustbin on his head. Don't cross me, postie, or my arsenal of garbage will come for you.

Anyhoo, you and I are going to be fast friends postie. If you haven't already figured it out, you aren't just delivering me a package.

Wow, that came out really creepy. Don't worry postie, I'm not a mob boss who's using you to deliver my illegal drugs. Although it would be nice to own my own mafia, I really can't put in that much of an effort. What? I'm a lazy person.

I need you to take the keys inside this envelope and go to the room you were delivering the package to, room 156. Go into the apartment and stay in. If anybody arrives tell them, if you're under 25 that you're my boyfriend or if you'll be older than 40 pretend to be my missing uncle. If you're somewhere in the middle, pretend to be some long lost cousin. I don't know. I'm sure you're creative, figure something out.

Then tell them that I'm in the wash room and won't be coming out anytime soon. Make it convincing, postie!

Don't sweat it, I can promise you that I'm not going to strangle Aiden or push him off a bridge. Both very appealing ideas, though.....but you won't be aiding or abetting a murder. Not today at least. I'll write to you if I need your assistance hiding a body, postie.

Kidding

Not really, I really think we've built up a good foundation of trust, don't you?

But, no, no, I'm going to be practicing the very old art of egging his house. It's all piled up in my car and I'm fully ready to carry forward my plan. All I need you to do is provide me the teensy assistance of being my cover.

Aiden's family are sort of big-shots and as the jealous ex-girlfriend, I'm definitely the first on the suspect list once they find their egged house with a broken fence. If I'm lucky, I'll steal their car, but no promises. Whatever I get, I'll split it with you, postie.

Whoever you are, my love will forever rest with you!

Hugs and kisses,
Glenda