One Million Tiny Things

Thought we had a Deal

Eddie,

I left.
I just couldn't do it anymore.

I won't point fingers, it's not fair, not after everything that happened this summer. We just couldn't follow the plan. And I get that. Feelings are really messy things, they scramble up the most detailed of plans and manage to ruin picture-perfect projects.

We both messed up. Real bad. Not denying that. But we had a deal.

And we have to stick to it. Or I have to pay the price. Probably all alone if history is anything to go by. And it repeats, again and again, like a hamster on a wheel.

I know you were sincere. Everything you said, you probably meant it. But it was like deja vu sometimes. And yesterday, I cracked. I know I should have told you that I was going back.  Moving halfway across the country. Maybe it is social etiquette. Maybe just friendship rules.

But I just couldn't do it Eddie. I just didn't have the guts to do it, and yes, I am terribly ashamed of myself about it too. I was scared. Scared that all it would take was one look at you for all my plans to crumble, you always had that effect on me you know. Well, atleast for the short while we knew each other.

I hope you understand. And that you can forgive me, at least someday in the future. Although, I will understand if you don't. I can't deny that it was pretty brutal what I did to you. Savage even.

I know it hurts. And that you don't get why I did it, that you will probably blame me for shattering your heart. That someday some poor girl will have to glue the pieces together and curse the vixen who did this to you.

I don't blame her. It is true. I should have expected this. I am really sorry if I led you on. I really am. For making you believe that we could have something more, for giving us hope and mostly for getting so caught up in the romance and the fun to see past it, to see how I was chipping pieces off your heart every day.

It was more than a summer fling. It is probably hard to hear now. But you have to know every single moment I spent with you was precious. I will forever regard Florida as a paradise, thanks to you. Even if I never come back.

You showed me so much. All the hidden corners of the earth. We had the most beautiful little secret rendervous. Panoramic views with nothing but you, me and sea. Our own slice of heaven. And I loved it Eddie, I did. More than words can express. 

And I will eternally be grateful for everything you taught me, all the little misconceptions you cleared up. Thanks to you my world isn't as bleak or dreary as it was before. You made me test all my limits and bungee jump in the face of my fears. Diving with sharks, lobster hunting, sky diving you made me do it all. Made memories with me, gave me happy times to look back on when I get my heart broken again, let's not deny it you know how stupid I can be, maybe you will be the best relationship I will ever have.

Despite everything sometimes I regret it. You weren't broken or damaged. It wasn't fair to you what I was asking. Deal or not, it was inevitable I guess. It's hard to not fall for someone when you spend hour after hour in breezy summer weather with love in the air and surrounded by goo-gah-ing couples all around. Risking your life together definitely ups the game I guess.

I really do see how selfish I was in hindsight. Sometimes I wonder if I was just as bad as my Ex. Just as heartless.

I wonder if you would regard me with the same contempt and hate. Blame me when things in your life go hay wire. Come back to this point when you need an excuse to explain your commitment and trust issues.

I wonder if I'll be the villain in your story or just the dumb guy who messed it all up and regrets it all later. Maybe I will the bestfriend who stabbed you in the back or the crazy ex who comes back to ruin everything in your happily-ever-after.

In, my defense though it seemed like a fool proof plan, atleast this is the bit I hang on to with my fingernails just to avoid being lumped together with the my scumbag of an Ex.

I wasn't deceiving you. We had an agreement up front. Just a month, no commitment. How hard could it be?

I guess I underestimated the impact of a summer fling, especially at our age. I mean we are hardly college kids smooching left and right. It is fathomable that you would want to settle down. I just wish you had been more honest about it.

For a few days I got carried away. Pretended that this was us. That it was normal, and that we'd have forever once the "vacation" was done. I guess that is when everything went to havoc. I let my guard down and misled you. Made you think maybe things were going to be alright. Gave you a hope, I didn't own to begin with. And I understand if you hate me for the rest of your life for it, I would have done the same in your place.

For a moment I forgot everything that was wrong with the forever, all the jail-time with social restrictions like sturdy steel bars and my in-laws who did a job as good as any prison guard. 

I forgot how I had just escaped a life long sentence that I had been led in to with cuffs that looked like a diamond ring at the bottom of a champagne glass. 

I  forgot how I had to high-tail in a getaway car just to escape my crazy drunk husband. I forgot the law suits, the fights, the drama, the stress. I'd forgotten it all.

And it might have stayed that way. You were quite the charmer weren't you Eddie.

You made me forget all my worries and live life like I was on the best seat in Utopia. And it damn well felt like it too.

But then you used the same trick, you stupid boy. Got it off the internet? Some book? A friend?

Eitherway it is not your fault I guess, you didn't know my past. It could have been a romantic gesture, it wooed me just fine the first time didn't it?

Anyway finding that ring in my Champagne during dinner was as if some one had splashed an entire swimming pool of ice cold water in my face. Didn't take long for me to wake up after that.

So I am leaving. Running away from my problems as usual. But trust me when I say I am doing both of us a favour. I really am not ready for committment of any kind. We would have both been terribly miserable.

Hope you find someone new. You really are a gem, Eddie and any girl would be terribly lucky to have you and your dorky, sweet unbounded love.

Hoping for forgiveness,
Kyra.