One Million Tiny Things

Losing me

My dear parents,
Attached below is my yearly report card. Don't bother checking it, I failed half my subjects and ended up with Ds for the rest.

Shocking for the straight A student, isn't it?

Well, I didn't try. I didn't write a word in certain papers, just closed it and sat staring blankly at the wall because I was so sick of it. I was sick of all the fun they made out of me, calling me a geek, a loser, a nerd. I was sick of being the forever loner with no friend to talk to while standing in the line for lunch, being the one girl who's left standing alone when we partner up. I'm sick of being the one people turn to when they need tutoring. I'm sick of teachers always expecting me to know the answers. I'm just sick of it all.

I was so ahead of it all. So ahead of everybody else. I was the one person in this school, no cut that, this town who knew where she was going. I had goals and ambitions and no petty high schooler would stop me.

I don't know what happened. I don't know where the hell that girl who had it all figured out disappeared off too. But, I do know what was left when she did. Me. The real me. The lost me with no sense of direction. My old dreams collapsed like a house of cards but there was nobody to build it back up.

I may have been a child prodigy. My memory may be better than anybody else's I know. I may get absorbed into books. But that doesn't mean I'm not a person. I am a real human, mum and dad, a human being with feelings and emotions. I get hurt when you brush me off and tell me to talk to you later.
I hate it when you show me off to your friends like some jewel on display. And my heart breaks when I realise that whatever I do, your expectations are always higher.

It started small. Just one drink from the whiskey cabinet while doing my homework. It was such a thrill. Nobody knew what I was doing. I was maintaining my good girl image but for the first time I was being reckless and I loved it. The tiny sip did nothing. It was just that by drinking it I was crossing over all the lines of everything I ever knew and that made it exciting.

Then the one sip eventually became one bottle. I got careless. I couldn't stop it. Alcohol had turned from my saviour to my damnation.

I apologize for that. I really am sorry for going far enough to have a drinking problem. This wasn't how my story was supposed to go. People no longer have hate or envy in their eyes when they see me, all that shines in their looks is pity. Clear outlined pity.

I don't need it spelled out for me. The F on my report card was enough for me to realise that I'm throwing my life away. I'm trying to pull myself back together. It's a slow process but I'll get there.
My life is still going the way I want it too. Its just lost the predefined quality it had. I don't know the ending yet but I think that it's better than having it all figured out. Not knowing what comes next makes life all the more interesting.

I just have one question for you,

Did you even notice a change in me?