One Million Tiny Things

Long gone

Damian,
I don't really know where to start, it's weird because talking to you has never been this hard. I want to tell you so much but I don't think I'll manage to talk to you face to face, especially not with her hanging off your arm.

I'm writing you this letter to remind you of what we had. Trust me, now that your rid of me you won't recieve any more locker letters. You won't get my smiles, kisses or the cookies I left every Monday in your locker. We were something beautiful Dami, but you had to go and wreck it. You can try all you want to blame me but we both know in our hearts that it's your fault.

Honestly, I can't even say that I'm sad that it ended. I deserve better than to be with a guy who threw me away like an used tissue the second his eyes landed on something better. But, at 2.00am at night I still find myself sobbing into my pillow and hiding my muffled shouts. I tried to stop crying, tried to stop loving you. 

But then I realized that I loved what we had more than I ever loved you. It warmed my heart to have somebody who'd pull up to my house and open the car door for me. I miss you ruffling my hair in the morning and calling me a chipmunk while I smacked you and told you to keep your eyes on the road. I liked your warm hugs before your games, I can still feel the warmth of your arm around my shoulders when I walk down the road.

Do you remember how we met? 
I do, not much about the details but I remember you. That's what all our memories are like to me. You blinded me to everything around me because as far as I was concerned, you were the only thing that mattered. Now, I've opened my eyes again and I'm surprised to find that the world didn't stay in place while I fell in love. Everything is different, more so because you're not around.

On that first day, you came into class late, you never did tell me why. You snuck in through the window looking nothing like a prince charming. But, I still found your rugged badboy persona cute. I was sitting on the last desk. You asked me to create a commotion to help you get to your desk unnoticed. I still don't know why I did it, but I helped you. I pretended to fall back in my chair and screamed loud enough to attract the attention of everyone in class. But, my gymnastic skills were non-existent and I ended up causing the legs of my chair to slip. You were supposed to sit down in that time window when everyone was distracted. Instead, you slipped an arm around me and stopped me from falling. 

We both got detention that day. It was the first time I'd got detention and I knew I was dead if my parents found out. Surprisingly, I didn't care because I found that it was the first time I'd ever looked at you properly too.

You were charming.

You were polite.

But at the same time, you lit up any room with your jokes

I fell for you.

That was the start of it, the longhand letters left in your locker. I really found myself questioning my sanity and morals. But, you didn't even let your stalker feel unnoticed, you began to reply with letters of your own left in your locker for me to find.

Those were the first days that we were really us. Nothing, not unruly, unkind high-schoolers, not your new girlfriend, not even you, could take away who we were back in those days. It was just you and me in those letters, two people who poured their hearts out onto paper and left it for the other to find. Would you think me childish if I said I still have all those letters. They will rest under my bed in an old shoe-box forever, each neatly folded over the other and stacked up orderly. You might have let go but I refuse to let the memory of who we were die.

I walked past the library last week because I needed to return a book I'd borrowed a few weeks back. I'm not proud of it but I started to cry as I pushed the book into the return box. It's like I could see the ghosts of past you and me. You leaning against the box and asking me when we could leave as I told you to wait while I put in the old books and borrowed new ones. And you did. Although, it might have been boring and you would have rather hung out with your friends, you always stayed for me. 

That's another thing that I miss. Having somebody who never minded spending time with me.

Right after we broke it off, there was a distinct line in my head. The you I loved and the you I hate but the line is thinning bit by bit and I don't know if it's love or hate anymore. I loved you, Dami, I really did. But, the more I remember, the more I begin to hate you. I despise you for playing me when you got bored with me and wanted her. Everytime I think of you and me, the good memories are tainted with what you did. It's become a permanent stain I can never remove.

But, I've come to peace with that. I'll never forget what you did, I'll never really forgive you either, that's why I don't think we'll ever be friends again. But, I'm willing to push down my pride to write this letter. I think it will be the closure I'd need to let us go. Afterall, looking back all we'll ever really be is a high school fling. But, out of any romance I'll ever have, this might still burn the brightest.

I don't care if you read this with her or if you mock me with your friends because from what I've come to realize, it's better to pretend that we never happened than linger on what we could have been. We were long gone, I came to that realization too late. Now, I know that we may have been the star that lit up the night sky but I'm willing to wear a blindfold just to shut us out.

So, Damian Reed, to me you're a stranger, not the boy with the sparkling blue eyes I came to love. 

Goodbye Dami,

With all my love,
Veera