One Million Tiny Things

Owner of the blue car

Hey dear owner,
Hope your having a nice day, one of those golden days when you get out of bed feeling just right and look in the mirror and see something resembling ethereal beauty starring back at you instead of the usual swamp monster. Hope you had your breakfast nice and peaceful and drowned in enough coffee to be happy as a free hippe roaming the woods. Hope that you're having a day so good that nothing can shake you from your state of bliss, not even what I'm gonna share with you.

No I didn't TP your car. Nor did I accidentally key it, scratch it or toss a brick at it. Please quit walking around your car and continue reading this. The quicker we get over this the better.

I know you're human and it is kind of an inborn nature we carry around. But really there is no need to walk around so much, all your windows are pretty intact right, tires are not slashed right? I'm willing to bet, you probably checked already.

Okay great, and there you go into the nearest hardware store my letter probably crumpled and stuck into a jeans pocket next to change from last year and a forgotten piece of stubborn gum that's been living here rent free for a few years now.

Now that you are done with cautiously opening your door checking a bunch of air levels with the useless equipment you just wasted your money on and have decided to sit on the drivers seat to exhale and remember what you were doing before decided to try out rookie FBI training for fun, hope you found my letter again.

No I can't read the future nor did I predict any of this and control your actions or any other woodle doodle like that. Humans are simply just so predictable in this day and age that it's sad.

Did you notice it yet? Is something missing?

Okay, you really have a terrible attention span you know. I bet you ditched my letter and started looking around the car.

Now that you are back I hope your hidden stash of chocolates and the extra gas money, jewellery and electronics you hid so precariously before leaving the car are safe. They should be, I didn't even bother looking, I mean how could I have, I don't have a key to your locked car.

Great. Seriously you remind of  a chimpanzee, even they probably have better focus than you now that I think about it.

Checked your doors. Yikes the back ones are unlocked. How? Good question by the way, keep those wheels turning. Just a piece of advice you might need to oil them sometime soon.

Okay hope you caught up. Yes! You left them unlocked.

Now's the real question what did you have in the backseat. Something precious? Something important? Maybe a burrito? What happened to it? Did someone take it? Did it walk away?

I think we are pretty close to the point of this letter. No, it's not about a burrito that you probably ate last week and forgot about. And honestly if you haven't figured it out yet I do have to say that I've seen baboons do a better job at parenting than you, you clown.

Yes! Good job for figuring it out. Your partner will be so proud of you for how  deeply you prioritise your child and if you are a single parent, God bless the poor child.

Before you judge although you have no right to, we didn't steal her. She was melting in that car that you left her in without cracking a single window open or switching on the Aircon that she decided to open the door and crawl out into the street right in front of our car.

You can collect her from St. Mary's Church which is just around the corner from the Target you were doing God knows what in. We've been here since 11am and if you don't show up within a few hours we are going to adopt dear little Lily and sue your sorry ass cause you don't deserve this angel.

Just so you know we wrote this letter a while ago and placed it on your bonnet an hour after we collected Lily from the middle of the road after repeatedly checking if you were back. Here's another random fact, an hour is enough for most parents to notice their kid is missing, walk around the perimeter a few hundred times, ask every single human they meet and probably even phone the police. Meanwhile you did absolutely nothing at all, for crying out loud you didn't even notice she was missing.

So yeah, we don't have the best opinion of you. Please come fast, my partner's getting hungry and he tends to randomly punch people who piss him off in the face when he is starving.

Hoping to see you very soon and get better acquainted.

Lots of love,
Wendy.