One Million Tiny Things

Distanced love

Georgie,
What do you think is the worst way to fall in love?

When the other person doesn't feel the same way?
When they've already let you go?
When you barely know the person?
When you know that the two of you can never be together?

I know that I told you that I don't feel the same way , I know that you've already given up on me, you don't know me that well and deep down in our hearts we know that we probably aren't the best match. But for me, the most heart- wrenching, soul-crushing way of loving is when you aren't not around to hear what I have to say. I know that I played with your love and pushed you away, maybe this is karma coming back to get me. But George, this, it's is a cruel trick to play on me, it's hurtful and malicious to leave when I had just started to love you.

All I said was that I needed a little space to comprehend your feelings, I never meant I wanted the Atlantic between us. I wanted you to give me time, not build a wall around your feelings and disappear.

When you turned up at my house that day, you have no idea what my daydreams told me that day. I believed you'd come back to tell me that you wouldn't take "No" for an answer. I thought you came with flowers and choclates to woo me, not with suitcases and a plane ticket to Europe. You said it so simply, like it was just another thing like driving off to work, not like you were leaving the country and possibly never coming back. Although, I'd prided myself on knowing fairly everything about you, you still found a way to leave me astounded with all the memories twirling through my mind faster than the plane that took you.

A goodbye that should have taken months to complete, finished in seconds. It was as if all our memories and all our moments were neatly folded and stuffed into one of your suitcases, never to be opened ever again. I didn't think that you leaving would open a void in me. It made no sense, I didn't care about your stupid British self. I didn't even know you that well. But, while I had thought I could not get attatched, I'm scared to find that if I cut the strings between me and you would be like sawing off an arm. Something so deeply interconnected with me that it could never be removed. So, to avoid the pain of forgetting you, I'll deal with the ache of remebering you.

I know I sound like a lovesick idiot, but I can't help it. Everytime I've almost let you go, it's one tiny thing that reminds me all over again. The park bench we used to share ice cream on, the swings in the park across my apartement block, the car trips to nowhere, the carnival rides, the long talks, all of it just runs through my mind and I'm left hopelessly empty.

I've worked my whole life to become my own person, to not depend on anybody for anything. So naturally, the idea of love was positively repulsive. Living only for one person, missing that person when they were gone and always wanting to be with someone were what I had believed love led to and I didn't want that.

But, now I see what a beautiful thing it actually is, to have someone who asks about my day, to have someone to whom I can complain about everything and anything, to have someone who'll tell me I'm being stupid when I am but will hold me when I'm sad. I realized it all too late. I didn't want to depend on you. I didn't want to love you and most of all I didn't want to miss you this deeply.

I want to push you away and lock up my heart behind jail bars because all it wants to do is kiss you in the rain, to walk down the street hand in hand, to go out dressed prettily on dates but still be able to sit on the couch in sweatpants eating ice-cream and watching TV. And, I'd be lying if I said that a life like that wouldn't be my definition of perfect.

Georgie, I know you've made yourself a wonderful life but please come back to me.It's not fair that you're a world away when I'm falling for you. You made everything always seem so much better and if I could wish for anything right now it would be to whisk you back here. Even though I'll still survive if you couldn't be here, it would be in a life without you. Please come back and live life by my side forever. Just You and I.

Love,
Bianca.