One Million Tiny Things

The sordid affair

Dear Batel,
How'd we get here?
Me crying in my room every night and you laughing upstate with your wife.

I thought you were going to leave her. Leave this place with its fake smiles and constricting promises. Cross countries with me and live wildly and freely into the night.

Now, I realize it was all a load of crap

Because it was never her, it was you, you were the only one here with fake smiles and constricting promises, weren't you? And it wasn't her you never cared for, it was me...

And I have so much to tell you but my words wouldn't mean anything to you. You've got it all, I am just a simple college girl interning at your company. You eat with a silver spoon, I starve to save money for rent.
I was nothing to you. Never was, never will be.

While you had been my entire life, all I'd ever been was a meaningless fling. I see the love shine in your eyes every time you look at her but when they shift to me, what do I see? Guilt. As far as your concerned I'm the personification of your guilt and regret. And if you could, you'd burn me at the stake.

And it hurts Batel, to see the person you thought was your future be the one to wreck it all apart.

I remember it all,
The first look, the first touch, the way you kissed me. You charmed me with comforting words and big promises. But I didn't want any of it. The money, the status, the big houses and posh cars, it was never my style. All I ever wanted was you. And I thought I had you.

I was wrong.

What do you think of me?
Am I some lowly tramp you wish you'd never met?
I stayed up most nights, curled up in my bed crying because what I was doing was against everything I'd ever believed in.
All I ever wanted was someone who got me, the real me, somebody who took the time to understand me. And, my dear conniving Batel, you did such a good job at pretending, that I drank it all in and never for a moment thought you were lying.

You told me you loved me. You promised me marriage. You acted like you'd give me the world. And idiot that I was, I believed you.

I thought your marriage was falling apart already, I never wanted to be the reason two lovers split up. I tried to ask you to go away after I found that you were married because the guilt was eating me up inside. But you didn't. You stayed out my door with flowers until I came out. My resistance to your charm just edged you on. But when I finally fell for you, you walked away without a glance my way.

Batel, if I could I would personally drag you down to hell myself. But, I want to apologize to your wife. I could never hate her. Everyday, I remember what I've done and all I want to do is say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that she would never know the type of man she's with. The shameful, deceitful, lying cheat she calls her husband.

I know my words wouldn't give you a life-turning motivation. You've probably found a new flame already and run around with her while your wife waits up for you. So, I'm not going to try. I'm not going to remember what it was in you that made me love you because now that I've seen the real you, all you are is a blackened devil.

I have nothing to say to you, Batel. I'm sorry for all the time I wasted running after you. I feel so sorry for all the lives you have destroyed. But, mark my words, you will get what's coming for you. And when that happens I'll be watching.

Vengefully,
Jenny