One Million Tiny Things

Love is a lost cause

Dear Mum,
I know what they say, that nobody can keep me in a relationship, they talk of how I break apart couples, make everybody fall in love with me only to ultimately disappear. Afterall, nobody couldn't learn to love me, but everybody learns to leave somehow. It never matters how hard I try, love is a lost cause on me.

Everybody goes someday, beginning with you walking out that door and ending with Mike leaving another door halfway around the globe barely on its hinges when he stormed out. It doesn't matter how far I go, how many faces I put on because whoever I become, I'm just not for these emotional things.

Sometimes I wonder if I get it from Dad, the fact that I push away everything and everyone around me until I've built up walls so tall and so thick that I'm trapped inside. And at other times, I think I get it from you. The ability to cut off the strongest ties without even the slightest hints of desolation. To run from every curveball thrown my way. To never stay around to see the ending but be the cause of the climax.

And then I realise that I have nobody to blame. Julian's doing alright, married happily and living the life up in the city even with the two of you as parents. Maybe it's just who I am. The type for adoration but never for real love. The kind that everybody envies but nobody befriends. That one person who's picture perfect but hides a dam of remorse and regret inside her heart.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; love is a lost cause.

Just last week, Julian wrote to me. He willingly contacted me after everything I did. But Christine really does have to learn to let go. It was one curling iron accident 2 years ago, her blonde locks are back to looking completely untouched now. And the pig pen incident was almost 3 years ago. We've both said stuff we regretted, but she should really be the bigger person and just make peace with me.

I'm not vindictive by nature, mother, everyone knows that. People used to see me as something close to an angel, it wasn't my fault I followed the devil's footsteps. But it really isn't my way to do things like they were done before. To copy the same page in a different book.

So, unlike Satan ever did, I'm going to show up to this "ball" thingy to ask for forgiveness. And I'm not going to wreck havoc this time. No more setting things on fire or threatening innocent little Giovva with bodily harm. Julian is "practically begging" me to come. Can you imagine his devastation if I failed to show. I'm all he has as a role model. Obviously both you and Dad failed miserably in the parenting department, it was almost as bad as the sham your marriage was.

I hear you'll be attending. How long has it been? 10 years? 12? I know Julian thinks I'm your little pet who'll walk two steps behind you and learn to be exactly like you.

I might look like you, I might dress like you, I might talk like you but what people fail to see is that I'm a little more intelligent, a little more scheming and of course a little unhinged. I won't be following in your path, I'm making my own. And it's going to be one hellish ride. I'm always ten steps ahead of everybody around me. It doesn't matter who or what gets in my way because I won't hesitate to break down every barrier and every stop-sign.

If my past has anything to say, it's that I'm a genius at figuring out all the good ones from the bad ones. My problem is that I'd rather run after a red flag than a green one. I might be young and quite a bit dumb but I've lived long enough to know exactly how this dinner is going to go down.

With or without my help, something is bound to happen, you and dad in the same room is going to drive everybody insane, Giovva might even pass out from all the hate that the two of you create through every locked gaze. And as always Julian and Christine are going to stir the trouble and step back when everything explodes.

I'm always to blame when something goes wrong, but what everybody seems to not realize is that I do nothing. A little boy poking a snake with a stick doesn't count as asking the snake to attack, does it? I just prod a little into your darkest natures and allow you to play right into my hand. Who do you think convinced Dad to plan this little escapade. I was getting bored and this is going exactly the way I want.

So stop the secrets, mother, tell us what you're really here for. To feed off of Julian like a parasite when he inherits the company. To leach onto me and use up my inheritance. What do you want? Don't give me the shit about wanting to be here with us. We both know you always, always hide your true intentions.

But, I always get what I want, and this time around nothing is going to stop me. All I'm writing to say is, watch out. I keep grudges, mother, and some of them I don't think I'll ever let go.

Love,
Julia.