One Million Tiny Things

Cryptic text

Seriously Dorian,
What on earth is wrong with you? Why would you ever send such a cryptic text? And honestly you couldn't have timed it any worse if you tried.

Your dumb "We need 2 talk" chimed exactly at the same time that the pilot decided to take off and the air hostess screeched "please turn off your mobiles".

As much as I have been hoping it is an April Fool's joke for the past half hour, I swear this prank is going to cost your life if it happens to be one.

Let me ask ya this Dori, did you happen to know that this a three hour journey. Three complete hours, maybe six if the signal at the Abu Dhabi interchange is bad. Enough time for me to come up with more than enough creative ways to completely end your existence in every single one of your nine cunning cat lives.

Since I don't want to end a couple innocent lives by texting this because I am too mad to resist hitting send, I'm writing this on a napkin. I probably won't give you this because I'd cover most of it while shattering your earbuds the next time I get to talk to you.

And trust me you will regret ever being born  the second I land back in Cahat. I've already started making a couple lists. In my defense I have a lot of time and anger induced adrenaline at my disposal.

It would be a pity if I took out my rage on the kid next to me whose parents have abandoned him and his noisy toy pistol and with good reason, I'm seconds away from throwing him right off the plane. Honestly there is an uncanny resemblance between you and this kid, maybe I'd be doing the world at large a favour by getting rid of him, you know incase he grows up to be a jackass like you.

Okay, so back to the list. Weired enough most of them star your favourite ex, Hailey. Imagine now that we are done it would give her ample opportunity to hover around you like a fly. I mean, can't blame her for getting the impression that you are available right? Especially since you girlfriend has already moved on with some surfer dude in LA.

Seriously Dori, this better be a prank because at least then I'd get even in my favourite petty fashion and we can call it quits and go back to being the power couple of Zebra Falls or maybe even the whole of Cahat.

Although for some reason I keep getting the impression that our dear town doesn't like their power couple too much. Do you seriously think it is because of all the the pranks they suffered in the sidelines for. I mean for all the time they spend updating each other about our lives you'd think they loved us enough to be a human sacrifice for our sake.

Damn our prank wars, I miss them. Then again no one said that couples have to stay lovey-dovey all the way right? God that's boring!

Hey how about we spice things up. Declare a prank war? Plenty of couples have spats or even full blown battles that end up with one stabbing or chopping up the other.  Let's just channel our frustration at each other in a milder more harm less manner.

I'm kinda running out of space because I think these napkins are made for leprechaun people.

Since I've used up both sides, I am gonna finish up and stuff this in my bag. And then direct my anger at the mini Hitler sitting next to me whose giant snobbery dog has also joined the circus.

Adieu,
Xena

P.S. If this letter is found along with my dead body because the plane crashed, my last wish is that a terrible prank (hopefully one that hurts) is played on Dorian Stephenson who lives at No.34/166, Gram St.,Zebra Falls, Cahat.