One Million Tiny Things

I choose you

Dear Brian,
The first day I met you was decidedly not magical. I didn't fall head over heels in love with you. I didn't imagine us married one day. I didn't think I'd ever end up with someone as egotistical and jerk-faced as you.

When we first met, you infuriated me. I had been working in your company for two years but you didn't even know my name. You thought that because sales in my department had dropped for just this month, it was enough to get me demoted. I saw you as the most stuck-up, rich boy to ever be in existence. I almost strangled you to death that day.
Or if you'd continued talking flinging myself off the balcony was a viable option.

Instead of being charged for murder, I did the next best thing, punched you in the face and flounced out of there.

Surpringly, you didn't fire me. We spent the next two months trying our best to trip the other up. And I'll be honest, it was the most fun I've ever had with anyone. In annoying you, I got to know you better and you learnt more about me than anyone ever bothered to know.

I still made myself believe I hated you. I wanted to hate you. But each day, I fell more and more in love with you. And it was so hard to actually comprehend the mush of emotions I had become.

You were the first thing I noticed when I walked into a room. You become my entire world and you didn't even know it. I kid myself into believing that we had something special. Maybe something worth being called a relationship.

And then it all reached a climax: the kiss out in the rain behind the company. It was sudden. It was completely unexpected. It was magic. It felt straight out of a movie and almost too good to be true.

But all it lead to was awkward silences and tight smiles. I didn't know how to address it and you acted like it never even happened. Every time we met, it was like we'd talk about anything and everything except for the kiss. If I prodded that topic with a ten foot long stick, I felt you'd get scared and run off.

And I was right, wasn't I?

Months later, I brought up the kiss during one of our epic arguments. I was running out of things to say and you were being inexcusably unkind. With nothing left to do, I grasped onto the one thing that told me you cared about me.

The kiss.

It had been what I dreamed about at night and what I woke up hoping to have. But you dashed it all down the drain when you said that what meant everything to me was nothing to you. You barely even remembered it.

I closed up, I was hurt, I didn't know what else to do. You were ignoring me. There were rumours that you had begun a fling with Marissa from accounts. I was lost. And being lost, I ran into a trap like an insect flying straight into a spider's Web.

Dean was everything you weren't. Sweet, lovable, kind. He wished me a good morning everyday, remembered my birthday and brought in donuts for me whenever he could. Of course, I liked him.

He was the epitome of Mr. Right. You were the incarnation of everything that's wrong with the world. To any sane person, there never really was a choice.

You asked me about the kiss, a week after me and Dean went on a date. I was just so infuriated with you when you suddenly began acting like I existed again. It made me want to pound you into oblivion.

You asked me if I meant the kiss.
I replied that you kissed me, not the other way around.

You asked me if I'd go on a date with you.
I refused.

You asked me if I was happy with him.
I replied with a simple yes

But the truth is that everytime things got close to escalating between me and Dean, I compared it to what I had with you. And my time with Dean always seemed to fall short of the few stolen moments the two of us had.

By the time I realised that whatever Dean did I'd always compare it to you, I thought I was certificably insane.

He arrives right on time dressed to perfection, he opens the car door for me and tells me that I'm perfect.
When did you ever do that?

He takes me to fancy places, he pulls out my chair and he never fails to get the check.
The one time that you and I went out, we ate at a free carnival stall.

He walks me to my door and waits till I go in before he pulls out of my driveway.
You drive away without even checking if I actually got down from the car.

He calls when he said he would, and always comes to help whether it's with a flat tire or dropping my keys down a drain.
You never pick up your phone when I call and I honestly doubt you'd ever come all the way across town just to help a damsel in distress.

Everything with Dean felt so right. Anything with you was just simply wrong. But somewhere along the line wrong become utterly perfect to me.

Because there is something in love that simple affection can never compete with.

I miss all the squabbles and the petty arguments we had.

I miss the way you drove me up a wall but was always there to catch me when I fell.

I miss the way you could read me like a book and always know what I'm feeling.

I miss the feeling of the wind getting blown out of me everytime I see you.

I just missed you to death when I wasn't not with you.

Yesterday, I ended it with Dean. It wasn't fair to either of us and I knew that my heart rested with someone else. Although my head warned me that Dean was the right option; the safe one, my heart strongly opposed. It only had to think of you, for my head to fall into accordance.

Because if I had to make a choice, I'd always choose you.

Love,
Bri.