One step at a time

13

Melissa Newman

I didn't mean to scream, I didn't mean to cause trouble, I didn't want everyone running to my room and watching me in this state. The door was locked but that didn't stop them from barging in. My body was shaking rigidly, I was a traumatized child exposed to things at a young age that your just not meant to be exposed to. My bedroom warped into the memory like I was reliving it. Reliving the one memory I had forced away. The last memory I had of Noah. I started scratching at my arms in an attempt to remind myself that this was not happening, it had already happened I wasn't back in this place, but the pain didn't come, I couldn't feel the pain that normally came with it. I scratched harder likely to draw blood. Someone grabbed my hands in an attempt to stop me from crawling at myself. It didn't help I needed that pain. The memory stopped just in time, In time for me to miss the worst part.

I glanced at my family and whispered a soft "sorry" I couldn't stand the fact that they had seen me like this. I noticed Martin in the corner of my eye with his head down in shame. He blamed himself they were close he didn't realize that I would react this way, I never had in the past. "Mar it's okay this wasn't your fault" I smiled at him as he looked me in the eyes. It wasn't his fault I had been thinking of Noah before he had brought him up, I had been thinking of him since the day it had happened it was inevitable. "I brought him up I shouldn't have" I will be okay, I had Martin, I had my parents, I had Lee and most of all I had Blake I would be okay. Martin looked down again ashamed. My family was worried I could tell by the look on their faces. "I'm not leaving your side now, I don't want this to happen again" Lee spoke as he crawled in beside me.

He was the most scared of all of them, who would want to see their twin go through that pain, but he didn't know the kind of pain that I lived, he didn't know what it felt like to feel the pain I have and sometimes I wished that he could feel my pain, sometimes I wished that I could upload my pain onto him so he knew how it felt I was his twin we were half of each other so why was he the normal one? Why isn't he sick as well. I had asked myself these questions multiple times and even though I think these I would never want him to feel my pain because I know deep down he wouldn't be able to handle it he would have given up so, in the end, I'm glad that I was the one who experiences this.

The sun was coming up, I refused to go back to sleep, I wasn't scared I just couldn't bring myself to sleep after that. I looked at my thigh another thing that reminded me of Noah after all that's where his name sat. Carved into my skin with ink, It would always be that way. I smiled at that memory. We were being rebels at that time we knew that we could get sick from the ink but we didn't care, His name sat where my name sat on him. He was the love of my life, My first for most things. We both knew we had limited time so we did everything we could together. I had lost my virginity to Noah it was the best feeling. We had paid Martin to leave the room for a couple of hours. I didn't think you could make anything romantic in a hospital but he proved me wrong.

Noah was my boyfriend, I loved him more than I've loved anything in my life, He wasn't Blake but I settled for Noah, He reminded me so much of Blake I guess that's why I settled, We wanted to get married one day and we would've if he didn't die that night, He died right in front of me. We were cuddling on my bed after we had sex when all of a sudden he started coughing up blood, A lot of blood all that was coming out of his mouth was blood. He stood up to run to the toilet but he never made it. He tripped and his neck landed on the corner of the table nicking a vein. That was the most blood I had seen in my life, The worst part was it was all over me.

By the time the doctors arrived in the room he had lost too much blood, and his heart, caved in, Right in front of me. That was my dream, That was my memory, That was my reality. I watched my fiancé die right in front of me, people may have expected it we both had cancer but we never did he was in remission when it happened and I was getting close to it, It's been 6 months since he left me, 6 months since I've had to live without him, I still had the engagement ring he gave me in my jewelry box. Martin was there when he proposed, it was sweet.

Martin was sitting on the couch when I walked into the kitchen area. It was an open kitchen so I could see him. It was obvious that Martin didn't sleep either. I sat down next to him and leaned my shoulder on his. "I may have been sick a lot longer than you but you've had to face things I never want to in my life what happen to Noah I couldn't do that it would destroy me yet your still here trying to live on" Smiling I looked down at Martin "want to know my secret?" I smiled but I was dying inside. "Take it day by day yes it hurts but he would want me to live on and find happiness" When Noah and I started dating it almost fell apart mainly because I was comparing him to Blake I was stuck I wanted him to be Blake it wasn't until I realized he wasn't Blake he was Noah and there two different people they may have similarities but they were different people.

Lee made his way down the stairs almost tripping he was still half asleep. "That's where you went to" Yawning he slouched down on the table and fell asleep. "He's really worried about you" Martin spoke the words I already knew. "Well, I guess it's time to get ready for school" I looked at my arms huffing. There was dried blood and scorched marks I would need to wear a long sleeve shirt. "Are you sure you want to go to school today?" Mum asked as she entered the kitchen. "Oh and Martin we are officially your guardians" She smiled at Martin waiting for my reply. "I'm not going to school tomorrow I don't want to take two days off so ill go in today" 3 day weekend for me yay.

Blake picked me up again I think this was becoming a daily thing, well it use to be a daily thing anyway, we would always ride to school. "Morning M" His smile was so bright I thought it would break. "What happens to that broody bad boy everyone is used to?" Lee asked as he stepped outside with Martin. Blake glared at him. "Don't worry everyone knows that my sisters your soft spot most people already knew" It was my time to look at Lee giving him a deadly look he ran into his car and speed off. "Oh before I forget you don't need to pick me up tomorrow I'm taking a personal day off" I smiled just to show him that I was okay, I was fine, Everything was fine.

Nodding his head he jumped in the car. We stopped at Tony's first and as soon as I heard yelling I jumped out of the car. Some guy had a lady in his hands with a knife to her throat he had already cut her throat she had lost a lot of blood already and the guy was planning to finish the job. Police sirens could be heard in the background. The guy didn't see me, Not yet. "Please let her go you don't have to do this Dave" Tony's small voice could be heard, I had never seen him this vulnerable. I looked at Tony as my eyes started to water. What I was about to do next could get me killed but at the moment I didn't care.

I came from behind Dave, and even though he was taller than me I didn't care. I reached his neck and held him enough for him to drop the lady who I had guessed was Tony's mother. Yip like I had expected Dave came after me. The police were by the driveway now and were watching the whole scene. I dodged knife after knife. He cut me once or twice. One was practically deeper and bleeding through my top. Dave grabbed my sleeve and pulled. My scratch marks from earlier had been revealed. Dave had managed to stab me in the arm but because of my adrenalin, I didn't feel it. I punched him as hard as I could in the face. He was knocked out and I laughed. Somehow Casey and Jamie were standing by Blake all looking at me weirdly.

The police cuffed Dave and put Tony's mother in the ambulance. "What were you thinking you could have died" Tony shouted at me. "If I didn't do something he would have killed her before the police even got here I did what I had to do" He was angry but he would soon get over it. "Was she always this wreak less?" Tony asked Blake. "No that's something new," The boys noticed my stomach and arm bleeding. "We should get you to the hospital too" "That's a good idea I was just about to order another one but if you boys want you can meet us there I need a statement from all four of you" The police officer looked at me and shook his head. "Someone needs to call Lee there is no way I'm doing it he will kill me after what happen this morning" I didn't think about what I was saying it kind of just blurted out. "What happened this morning?" Blakes questioning eyes were on me instead of the road. "Nothing just look at where your driving geez" Everyone gave me questioning looks.