One step at a time

25

Melissa Newman

Everything in life comes at a cost, The more people you let in the more power you give them to hurt you. Ever so often pieces of your heart gets chipped away until there are only veins holding it together. You can never fix something that is broken, You can mend pieces together so it looks whole but there will always be cracks and no matter how hard you try you will never fix those cracks they will always be there. Was I ready to put my heart on the table, was I ready to risk it all and get heartbroken once again I didn't know how much my heart could take it's already been through so much.

"M say something please" Blake asked and I tried to say something I really did but nothing came out it was like my head and my mouth were working against each other.  Blake was awaiting an answer that I could not give him. Panicking I jumped from the top of the tree-hut and ran. I had no idea why I was running and what I was so afraid of but I ran like my life depended on it. I could hear his voice in the distance calling me but no matter how hard I tried my feet had different idea's and carried me away from the voice. I had no idea where I was going all I know is that this was not the way home. Once I stopped and looked around I noticed where I was. I used to come here all the time when I wanted to be alone. To think or just be by myself no one knew of this spot. Well except the old man who this land belonged to. His warm smile graced me as I got closer to his farmhouse. "I was wondering when I would see you again" The old man smiled once again. I never got his name and when I would ask he would ignore me and pretend that he couldn't hear me but he could I used to think he was wise still do.

"Heard you were back in town I didn't change anything it's all still the same think your gonna stay the night?" I did most nights when I came this was me time and right now I needed it. "I might be here a couple of days there are a lot of things I need to think about" No one ever noticed when I left for days on end no one really cared either but this time I think it would be different this time people would notice but I had shoved that deep down as I made my way towards the tree I had found all those years ago and crawled into the hole. I had to squeeze myself in last time but this time it took no effort once I was in the hole it was bigger even when I was here last it was like an inside tree house something I had always loved. I smiled as I came across the bed and my smile grew as I noticed all the photos were still displayed across the whole hut. The old man was right when he said that he hadn't changed it. Food was placed at the base of the hut where I had just crawled out of. "Thank you" The feet had walked away as I had earned a chuckle.

I sat down on the bed as I ate my dinner, Even though Blake had brought his basket full of food I didn't have time to eat any of it he had already popped the question, The question that I had run from, The question I was so afraid of. Sighing I shook my head to myself. Why was I so afraid it wasn't like I've never been in a relationship why was this so different. Why was this so hard It was what I had been waiting for since like ever and I couldn't even give him an answer. Maybe I just wasn't ready I felt ready I wanted to be ready ugh sometimes I hated my brain.

I had been here thinking for so long that my food had gone cold, I sighed once again. This was going to be a long few days. My phone suddenly rang and it frightened me I thought I had turned it off. Lee's face graced the screen and I smiled but decided against picking it up, I didn't want him to track me and if I pick up that's what he could do I turned off the app that he uses if I pick up it would reactivate. Sighing once again I turned my phone off. My head hit the pillow and my eyes drifted towards the ceiling. What was I going to do? This had my head all over the place. I looked around the room and found the bookshelf. Upon the bookshelf there sat the photo album that I kept for myself. I smiled as I got up and reached for the album.

The cover was my best work I had drawn a flower and under it held the words that meant the most to me. The lifetime of memories that would last forever, It was simple yet held so much truth to it. One picture held so much like a time freeze, It's a distant memory to me but to this album it's frozen in time held in the moment a picture may mean nothing to some people but it means the world to me. I opened the book and glanced at the first picture. I had braces they were uncomfortable for a 5-year-old but me now had thanked my parents for it. In the picture were Lee and myself smiling like idiots as we all do at that age. It was our 5th birthday and we had just blown out the candles I got given a camera for my birthday and this was the first picture I wanted to take Blake was in the background smiling at the camera we were all so small and had no worries in life. I missed being that age and not having to worry about anything but as you grow you gain insecurities and sometimes they never leave its the grace of getting older it's something that is bound to happen everyone has them.

I turned the page over and smiled once again, It was a picture of Blake and me we were around 7 years old he had his arm around my shoulder protecting me as he always did he was my guardian, Looking at that picture made me realize why I was so scared, I was afraid of losing the one thing that was always constant in my life, I was afraid that I would fuck it all up, I was afraid of losing him. He was the one person I couldn't stand losing from my life he had been there the whole time and his fate never faulted no matter how hard things got or how much I pushed him away he would always be there no matter what. I was afraid of giving in because if I gave in it gave him more power to hurt me, It gave him the power to break me, It gave him the power to leave and that was something I wasn't ready to face. My worst fear wasn't him finding out the truth it was him walking out on me that's what I feared most more than death even and it was something that I could never live with I loved him too much to let him go.