One step at a time

18

Melissa Newman

I was being suffocated, The walls felt like they were closing in on me, The more time I spent in this hospital the more I felt like I couldn't breathe. It didn't help that Lee was always hovering, Watching me like a hawk. It had become nauseating. It was finally my last night and we had somehow convinced the nurses to let us have a movie marathon night. "Please at least try to be quiet there are other people on this ward" I knew she was looking out for the other residents but if they wanted they could always join. Martin had packed some air mattresses so everyone didn't have to sleep on the floor. Lee and I were fine we had our beds provided for us they didn't have any beds to spare and that was fine this was a hospital after all. Martin took the day off so he could spend it with me while Lee went and got some fresh air. he needed it just as much as I did but I wasn't allowed to leave my room unless a nurse was with me something about my protection and safety but I knew it was a guideline that they had to follow. I didn't know that if you were on suicide watch you were a prisoner. I was a prisoner but no crime was committed its funny to a point, some people had been in here for years because they couldn't be trusted they were a danger to themselves and others but for me? Who was I danger to its not like I was going to walk outside and kill myself in front of everyone at the hospital I wasn't that stupid. People have weak moments where they feel like the world is crashing down on them. I had a moment that's all it was. Trying to tell everybody that was like waiting for a brick wall to answer your question. It just went in one ear and out the other.

No one had said what movies they wanted to watch so Martin being Martin brought every movie he could think of, It wasn't the movie anybody cared about, It was the company there was no time limit tonight we had all night to ourselves. Blake had ignored me even though he visited often he ignored me the whole time. I didn't get it everyone had told me he loved me yet he wouldn't even talk to me? I knew he loved me as a friend I had known that for years but why was he ignoring me was it because I almost left him as I had before? I knew my leaving took a toll on him but at the same time, I just didn't understand. I wanted to understand more than anything I just couldn't. If only I could talk to Beatrice but I knew that would bring up things that I didn't want to speak of like why I left, Why did I let James treat me so badly after she had told me so many times that he wasn't worth it and in the end, he would just hurt you, I didn't know it then but I kind of get it now? She loved James and she used Blake to get what she wanted maybe that was why I couldn't bring myself to talk with her.

"I can tell that you thinking hard because of the frown on your face it happens every time," Martin said from beside me. He knew me too well. This side of me he did how could he not we were stuck in a room together for 2 years. Normally they wouldn't put females and males in the same room at the center but I had asked for it I didn't want to be stuck with a female I get that I am one but half the time I can't stand them I can barely stand myself yet I have to live with it. I always thought I was meant to be a boy and in all the ultrasounds I was a boy yet I came out female the doctors couldn't explain why to my parents I just did but they were happy either way.

Looking back at my life I had many setbacks, and things constantly hurt, I'm still going through a lot of things but I wouldn't change it for a thing. Those heartbreaks have forced me into the person I am today its taught me how to appreciate life and appreciate things in life. It taught me so much but I knew if these things were inflicted on someone else they wouldn't be able to take it. There are just some things the will break people, Everyone has a breaking point I didn't know when mine was but at the same time, I didn't know how much more I could take I'm only human we a species can only take so much.

The boys would be here soon and we would start our marathon, I honestly couldn't wait, with them near Lee stopped hovering he let me breathe it may be short but it was worth something to me. Lee would also be back soon I get that he cared but he was taking it too far I wasn't even allowed to take a shit without notifying him. His heart was in a good place but his actions created a different course. There's worrying and then there's obsessively worrying. Lee was the second and it was becoming quite nauseating. I was counting down the seconds until everyone arrived currently there were 25 minutes and 17 seconds until school finished and then an additional 10 minutes and 53 seconds until they walked through my door and the fun could begin. I was a little happier today since I knew this was my last day and this time tomorrow I would be in my bed. I have one more week off school per the doctor's orders.