One step at a time

33

Melissa Newman

Was there any point anymore? Was all this pain worth anything anymore? Today was one of my bad days I was questioning everything and I had a right to. I see Lee he barely looks at me, He talks to me all the time but looking at me is something that he just can't do. Maybe I should leave again I was right last time this was something that my family just can't handle. I could barely lift my head let alone walk anywhere and I needed to lie down.

Dad got me a bell last week it was a funny joke between all of us but it helped. If it wasn't for this bell I would still be on the toilet floor. I pushed the button that made the bell ring causing my dad to run to my side. "What do you need baby girl?" I couldn't speak it took too much energy thankfully Martin came in the room and took one look at me before answering my dad. "She wants you to take her to the couch so she can lay down" I don't want to be a burden on my family, This was the last thing I wanted but I didn't have much choice in it now I turned down the offer of going back to the centre, Why did I do that?.

Dad picked me up and carried me to the couch which has been my bed since I got sick I couldn't climb up and down the stairs, I mask the pain as much as I can but I know everyone knows, Everyone in this house knows my pain they're just ignoring it, They don't want to feel it let alone talk about it. There was a knock on the door and dad answered. I heard his voice, He had been coming to see me for the last week he doesn't say anything he just sits next to me in silence which is nice but at the same time I didn't want him here, He broke me and that was something he couldn't take back, That was something I just couldn't forgive and if I ever did it would take me a long time. Once upon a time I needed him there, Once upon a time I craved him there but not everyone could get what they wanted. Not everyone is privileged enough to have everything.

He came in to view and watched me, There was always a bucket next to my bed in case I need it, Mum had to replace the rug last week because well let's just say there was no bucket. "Where you ever this bad Martin?" My dad asked and I laughed. "Martin had his bad days but they were never as bad as mine because I chose the highest radiation they had which is why this happens I'm not saying that they weren't bad but every patient is different every patient has a different course you should just be glad that we both don't have it at the same time" That was the first thing I had said all day. I'm only like this because well I had chemo earlier. I looked at Blake. "You can leave I don't want you here" He shook his head and stood up I knew my words hurt him but his actions destroyed me.

"Forgiveness is a big thing Melissa you don't have to forgive him but for yourself" Mum spoke from behind me I just shook my head, She had been saying that ever since he showed up. "One day mum but not today" I knew I would give in it was just time, I needed time and right now this is the most time I could ever get. I was stuck here, I never really left the house except for the time I went to school which was a mistake I ended up in hospital for 3 days after that and Lee made me promise never to do it again. "Everyone should be here soon Lissa" I looked at Lee but I couldn't help the tear that slid down my face, I couldn't help all the ones after it. "Can you take me to the porch Mar I need some air" I was in constant pain and it was starting to get too much to handle.

Martin sat next to me. "Don't give up Melissa he will come around its just hard for him to look at you like this just don't give up I know you and I know your I give up face your family might not know but I do and I know it hurts and you feel like you have nothing left but you have everything please don't leave me here with the pieces to pick up your my best friend Melissa please don't leave me here" I smiled at him. He knew me too much maybe I needed to run away from him too. "No running" He looked at me sternly. I laughed as I slowly shook my head. "Martin it's like your in my head" I knew Lee was listening to our conversation let's just call it twin intuition. "If I go please look after my brother" I gave Martin a look to silently tell him I was joking. "I don't think I have much time let Martin look after him that's my dying wish to you" I smirked, I knew it was cruel but he wanted to listen. "You are doing no such thing if you go I do too" I heard Casey's voice before I seen him and laughed.

"But Noah would be missing me" I pouted I was only fucking with him and he knew. "We'll Noah can go and fuck himself he is not getting my best friend" Megan said as she sat next to me. "You are not fucking leaving me and that's final" Lee finally spoke. I leaned into Megan as she hugged me and whispered I got you girl. That was how my night went I was happy and Lee finally had a smile on his face.