One step at a time

7

Melissa Newman

My second week was more boring than my first mainly because I decided it was a good time to go for a walk and getting myself sick in the process. So I'm sitting here on a Tuesday eating ice cream and watching five feet apart crying my eyes out I get this movie I understand their struggles I mean I may not know fully what it would be like to not be able to stand close to my soulmate but I will never let myself get that close to someone to the point I would kill them just so I could have my little slice of happiness I get the movie but at the same time, there being selfish. They're in love, I get that but at the same time they could kill each other and that is something their brain can't comprehend I will never let myself fall that much where its heartbreaking especially with someone who could die before I do than having to live with the pain of them leaving. We had a love-hate relationship, I loved the movie but I hated the aspect and what it could do how many people are you gonna hurt just to have your slice of heaven.

Lee had to hear all about this when he came home that night. "If you hate it so much why are you watching it again?" Staring him down. "Because Cole Sprouse is a god" That was the main reason I had decided to watch the movie, I would watch any movie he was in. He was my biggest crush ever and I don't think I got over that. "Hmm, that's the only reason why you watched Riverdale too" Lee and Martin had gotten closer than I had originally thought. "Don't I swear to god Lee I will shove this fork so far up your ass you'll be spitting metal for the rest of your life" Lee had run for his life chuckling I pushed play to watch the rest of five feet apart?

Wednesday was spent roaming the street, yes I still had a slight cold but at that moment I didn't care too much at this time I liked the feeling it gave me, I use to feel like this when I was driving like I wasn't contained behind the wheel like I could do anything, be anyone. For a moment I believed it, just for a moment, I could be someone else, someone who doesn't have cancer someone who can do what they want and don't have restrictions, someone who doesn't have to look over their shoulder or be scared 24/7 because I was, scared of the outcome, scared to get close to people that isn't necessary, scared that I would wake up tomorrow with a bloody nose and hair falling everywhere, scared that one day I will be back to square one having to do the treatment all over again only this time I would have an audience, people would be watching me this time and that thought right there that was what scared me the most. Everyone who loves me have to sit and watch me slowly die. I can't run away this time I promised so many people. I was  back to depressed, my condition was depressing and anyone in my shoes would have given up by now, I should know I have many times but each time I fight back because I don't want to be that selfish person anymore I don't want to be that person who will forever be alone because she was scared.

Thursday was spent feeling sorry for myself, I had one of these days every now and then. These days were the ones filled with ice cream and tears, locking my door so no one would see me like this also making a sign to let people know I'm okay I just need some time to myself. I spent so long thinking, was this life? I was given a second chance at life but was I living? Is this what my life was going to be like? Constantly ruled by fear? Constantly not creating new relationships because well I was the cancer girl? I was the girl everyone felt sorry for I was the girl everyone pitied against, I was the girl no one wanted to be. I was just a shadow of who I used to be, I was outgoing always smiling although I was fat, despite all the punches I would get, despite people calling me names I always had a smile on my face even if there was blood flowing down It. Nothing faltered my smile but now? rarely smiling that's the person I've become, the dark and twisty person, the person who everyone steers away from because of my unfriendly demeanor.

"Is she okay?" Lee's voice boomed through the door and as much as I wanted to open it and cry in his arms I would never let him see me this emotionally weak. "Sometimes we all need a day to ourselves cancer patients even more I understand what she's going through but only to an extent, I had my friends, I had my family, I had the support she went through this alone yes I get she chose it this way but think to yourself what would you do if faced with it? Would you change everything and hurt those closest to you or would you rather let them watch you slowly die, slowly lose faith and destroy the ones around you? It puts a strain on everyone around me if I could go back in time I would do what she did I would rather be a lone wolf than watch everything around me crumble including myself yes we survived cancer but it never goes away it just shuts itself off for an amount of time it will always come back" Martin words hit me differently, we both had cancer and we both dealt with it differently but I didn't know what was going on in his family no wonder why he spent most his time here.

Friday was easier there were no symptoms of my cold granted for half the week I only had a runny nose and headaches but now that had all gone away and after yesterday I needed to get out of my room to show everyone that I was okay I just needed one day to lay in bed and get through my feelings, "You're out of your room today" Lee smiled when I walked down the stairs which was weird he should be at school. "Our parents decided you might need the company today they explained to the school and they understand" Smiling I hugged my brother something I have missed. Lee was my home, wherever he was that was my home and it would be for the rest of my life. "Weekend marathon?" Nodding to Lee's answer I cuddled into him as we watched the first movie. It had been the best weekend we had ever had.