One step at a time

12

Melissa Newman

Waving goodbye to Lee I went straight to my room, I looked up at the stars that had been placed on my ceiling when I was little, they weren't as bright anymore the color had dulled over the years but so does everyone. When I was little I was carefree I didn't care what I looked like or how I acted but now it's so much different I'm cautious about everything, Does my top make me look too fat am I showing too much skin it was stuff like that, it was the teenage me and sometimes I just wished I could go back to being that little girl who didn't care about anything. I slowly drifted off to sleep and somehow knew that I wouldn't wake until morning.

Yelling was heard on this Wednesday morning. Rolling out of bed I put on my gown and made my way downstairs. It was 6 am there was someone at the door yelling. It was Marin's mother she was drunk and yelling at Martin. "It is your fucking fault why were homeless why couldn't you just die the first fucking time" The police were called and were trying to drag the woman while Martin was crying in the corner of the room. Can I ever get a fucking break?

"Do you know what's going on Miss?" The police asked as I  nodded my head and made my way outside where half the neighborhood was. "Excuse me, officer," My mother asked as we got outside. "is there any way I could legally adopt Martin, he practically lives here and his mother came here and stabbed him with a knife trying to kill him which hasn't been the first time and you would see that in his hospital records" That information had shocked me. I didn't even know half of it. "Yes mam you can go to the courts tomorrow, give this to the judge and you should have no problems" Looks like Martin was going to be living with us. "What about all his medical bills?" She wasn't just going to care for one person who had cancer she was going to look after two. "I will pay for them he was there for you when you needed him and since we couldn't be there for you were going to be there for him" I smiled at that.

Luckily my parents were doctors, Mar didn't have to go to the hospital everything he needed was in this house. "Are you going to adopt me? You don't have to it's too much you already have one sick child" Martin looked at the floor. "I don't see you guys as sick you guys are just normal people to me you may have restrictions but you look pretty normal to me" My mum smiled as she walked off. "Might as well get ready for school" I mumbled to my family. Heading upstairs I took a shower and hummed to myself, I was humming a tune that was familiar yet foreran at the same time.

I tried to force something down my throat I didn't want a repeat of what happened yesterday to happen again. Blake was already curious but I didn't want it to be obvious. I couldn't always count on the teachers. I wanted to live the best life I was allowed. I liked the silence, I use to hate it but I've gathered over the last couple of weeks that sometimes I prefer it. It was nice for a change. I looked at Martin, someone who has come so close to me, soon would legally be my brother but I didn't see him like that, he was more than my brother. He was my best friend, someone who I could be complete with he knew who I was inside and out he knew the real me the new me and I liked that I didn't have to lie to him because he lives the life I do he knows what it feels like he was an outsider just like me but he was also a survivor we had survived not a lot of people could say that, out of all the people in the facility that I became friends with we were the only ones who had still lived. We were the last ones standing it was frightening.

You would think in a cancer facility it would be best not to get close to people but it was hard, we fought the battles we leaned on each other when times came rough it was hard to not form close relationships. It was even harder when a close friend had died, I was the only female in the facility well in the teenage area. The treatment center was expensive not all people could afford it, Martin himself couldn't afford it his family was falling apart but his doctor sent him there it was the only option unless he was to die which was something his family didn't want at the time but didn't realize the toll it would put on his family. I paid for my treatment I had saved just enough to go through with the whole 2 years if I was to relapse my family would have to pay the price I would rather die than tear my family apart like Martins but the truth was my family was better off then his was. "I think I'm going to stay home today is that alright with you Taylor and Connor?" Martin asked he didn't have to after everything he's been through this morning it was expected of him.

Blake had arrived earlier than expected, "I thought I would pick you up first so the others aren't so squashed for a long period" He laughed. "You know I would be fine to sit in the back" I brought up a subject that was forbidden in this car because well if looks could kill I would be dead right now. "Oh, I ordered that new couch it would be here on Saturday it's big enough for you to sleep on plus it's a pull-out couch so you can sleep on it all you like" I had blushed at that information I had no idea why I just did. "M you have a bed why don't you use it?" I looked at him I thought the answer would be obvious. "If you haven't noticed already she's lazy" Lee's voice came out of nowhere. "We better get going otherwise the three idiots are going to be complaining" Those three idiots were starting to become close friends, they might not consider me as a friend just yet but they were my friends.

We picked up Tony first, and for once in his life he was quiet, he didn't say a word and just looked out the window. "Are you okay Tony" I heard myself ask, I knew I had a sad look on my face, I care for people it's a bad habit of mine "Yeah, my stepdad back that's all" I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't want to talk about it so I left it at that. Once we picked up Jamie and Casey they could tell that something was wrong it was like an unspoken rule. They could feel something was wrong but didn't want to say anything are all boys like this or just the ones I surround myself with? Noah had this problem too. I didn't want to think about Noah I didn't want the memories to come flooding back I just couldn't so I shut my brain off but the unwanted memories still flooded my brain and now I was in a gloomy mood. Why did I have to think about the one boy that I did not want to think about?

The whole day everyone could tell something was up but every time someone asked I shut them down. Blake kept trying to make me smile but no matter how hard he tried it just didn't work and normally he would get me to smile just being around him would make me smile. This is why I didn't like thinking of Noah this is why I shoved those memories to the bottom of me but now and then they would force themselves up and today of all days. As I sat and watched everyone playing soccer I found myself wanting to join in it was his favorite sport. He loved soccer it was something he was passionate about. As I watched more memories come to the surface and the more memories that came the more I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry but I couldn't. Lunch was different everyone around me was laughing about some joke I never heard. It was like an out-of-body experience I could see myself sitting there I could see myself in my head, I thought I was going crazy, no I knew I was going crazy it must be a side effect from all the pills I take, that must be it.

As lunch was nearing an end I felt more depressed than I had in a long time, I knew why but I couldn't just shake out of this feeling, why did I have to think of him? It ruined my whole day I could have been happy today, Maybe it started because Martin mentioned him. He was a close friend of Martin well he was a regular visit he did come more than once a day when he didn't feel like shit. The day ended and Blake dropped me off I didn't even give him a goodbye I just walked. I couldn't see where I was going I mean I could but it just wasn't registering. I found myself in my room with the door locked and silently cried into my pillow until my eyes drooped that night I had a dream one I haven't had in a while, but it was more than a dream because these events happened. They happened this was my reality, this was and will always be a memory that I could never get over.  

Maybe that is why I sweating in my sleep, Maybe that was why I screamed myself awake. Maybe that dream was the reason why I didn't want to get close to Blake again.