One step at a time

20

Melissa Newman

These two weeks have forced me to face reality, To face the consequences of my actions. I was ashamed no more than ashamed. I had taken 2 years away from my loved ones. I took away the ability for them to say goodbye all because I was scared. I was scared of what it could do to them and ignored the fact of what it had done to me. I may still be alive but it destroyed me and that was something I had to face, I have to face the fact that my actions destroyed me. The movie was still playing but I wasn't paying any attention I don't think anyone was paying attention it was more like background noise. We were all just people in a room no one was saying anything everyone was inside in their head.

I looked at the ceiling as I thought more and more. There was only a handful of people who knew the truth yet I couldn't bring myself to tell the ones who don't. I couldn't break it to them it was already hard enough living with the ones who knew. I know one day it will come out but until that day there was nothing I was willing to do. I will face that bridge when I came to it. Lee looked over at me and smiled I think deep down he knew what I was thinking about he knew my dilemma but didn't understand my reasoning behind into one ever did not even Martin he knew to a point but after that point, he didn't quite understand and I was fine that nobody understood as long as they complied. 

I hated these thoughts but I knew that they would never go away, I felt guilty this was conscience telling me to do the right thing and I'm ignoring it and I always will ignore they didn't need to know they didn't need to feel the hurt and betrayal that I'm sure everyone feels when I tell them the truth because the truth always hurts and I'm not ready to face that I know I would lose Blake he would never talk to me or want to see me again right now he's not talking to me but at least he's here I can see him I can touch him I can look at him but once the truth comes out all of that goes away.

Sighing a tear slowly slipped down my cheek no one had seen it well I hoped no one had seen it but as I looked around the room his eyes met with me curiosity filling his eyes. Blakes own eyes studying my own. Shaking my head I looked the other way hoping that life outside of these 4 walls would be better, Any better than what I have faced in this room. I have been fake over these last two weeks I knew that but it was the only way I knew how to cope every time I went through something whether it was small or big I never asked for help I never turned to anyone the only person I would turn to was myself. I was the only person I could trust always.

I tossed and turned that night trying desperately to get some sleep but it just wouldn't happen I tried so hard yet I wouldn't fall asleep. "What's on your mind Lissa," Lee asked from next to me Martin's airbed had popped so he gave up his bed and slept next to me. This was normal there were multiple nights where this would happen even before I left. "Nothing you need to worry about Lee go back to sleep I will be fine" I smiled and kissed his forehead. He spent 75% of his time worrying about me it was time to change that. "Lee I need you to promise me that you will keep living when my time comes you need to keep living to find the strength to live on" I needed this conversation, I needed to know. "I can't promise that Lissa" He looked at me and I mean looking at me. "Lee I need to know that when I go you will be okay" I know we shouldn't be having this conversation right now but I needed to more than I needed to breathe.

"Fine I promise I will keep living but can I at least have some time to myself before living my life because I'm gonna need that," Lee said frustrated. "Why are you guys talking about death," Tony asked out of nowhere it wasn't until then that I realized they were all awake and had been listening to our conversation. "Nightmare she gets like this when she has a nightmare" Lee automatically replied like it was normal. I just nodded as I wiped the tears away.

Tonight was meant to be cheerful and full of laughter and happiness but it turned out to be depressing and had turned sour real quick. The morning came sooner than expected and I still hadn't slept a second. "When we get home your going straight to sleep" Lee had spoken from behind me. "You need to get away from these walls they remind you of things that you don't want to relive," Martin said from beside me and I knew deep down I knew he was right these walls reminded me of my 2 years of hell, The two years that destroyed me. The two years that killed me.