One step at a time

6

Melissa Newman

Why did I think staying home was good for me? It had been a week and I was so bored already I still had two weeks left. Maybe I only needed one week? Well, that's what I thought and showed up to school today but as soon as I walked into the school Martin spotted me and told on me. Lee came rushing towards me and shoved me back into the car. So now I have no choice but to stay home. Blake had shown up twice within this week and as much as I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him so tight I just couldn't. Lee and Martin have ganged up on me and are trying to get me to let Blake in. I'm not cruel I can't do that to him and I thought Martin of all people would understand.

I've had a lot of time to think and ponder over everything or life in general, I remember the girl I use to be, the one who was always happy I always come back to her and I was envious of that girl she could fight a fire if she set her mind to it but I couldn't do that I could barely walk from my room to the kitchen. Life got in the way of my dreams, Life got so complicated in 3 months I was happy to go to treatment before I died but now that I was out I didn't know what to do with my life I thought it was over and I was doing what was best for everyone but being back here made me question my motives. I had stripped away the time that my family needed. They could still grieve while I was still alive they could say goodbye. I had taken that goodbye from them.

Time was something I didn't think I had and now I had all the time in the world or that's what it felt like but I wasn't strong enough to do anything about it I couldn't stop time or even slow it down. Right now time was on my side but a month from now or even a year would I still have time on my side? All this free time has given me a new meaning to life I might not have a lot of time left in this lifetime but that didn't mean I should stop living right? I was a survivor I needed to live like one instead of always being scared of my cancer maybe I should embrace it accept it for what it is then I could move on with my life? All these thoughts ran through my head yet I couldn't do anything about it from my couch.

I felt free at this moment I felt like I could do anything so I did the one thing I could do right now, I got up and put some shoes on and did something I hadn't done in a while, I went for a walk nowhere, in particular, I just walked. The air flowing by the skin so freely made me feel freer I didn't feel like I was suffocating or that I was stuck in a box unable to move I was free from that prison well for today that was. I had no idea where I was heading and just let my feet take me to where they were taking me once I looked up I chuckled to myself. A tree that held a lot of good memories. This tree held my first kiss. My first kiss was something that I had carried during my treatment it had kept me fighting, I was fighting to see the boy I had been in love with since I could comprehend that feeling.

I took a big intake of breath. "I'm alive" I whispered to myself, Sometimes I needed to remind myself of that fact. I had been out for a good 5 hours it was going on 7 pm I had been sitting by this tree for 3 of those hours I left my phone at home so knowing Lee he probably thought I made another run for it. It was funny because the 2 years I was gone Lee made sure to text me every night asking me to come and visit him from boarding school and always wished me a good night it was sweet and it also made me push and fight. It depended on the mood I was in that day I had different memories and people who carried me through treatment I was loved I knew that but I couldn't bring myself to hurt them. At the end of the day, that's what I did I hurt a lot of people some of who have now moved, I had a group of friends I had hurt the most the girls who I had spent multiple nights gossiping to them.

It hurt too much to even think about them let alone talk about them so I'm glad Lee didn't bring them up I think he slightly forgot about my group of girlfriends mind you he didn't like any of them. Picking myself up off the ground I start the hour walk it took me to get here to get home. It was getting chilly and I kicked myself for not bringing something warm I had on a singlet and tracksuit pants I didn't think I was going to go for a walk today and even when I did I didn't think I would be gone this long.

Lee was home and I could hear his yelling from here, I seriously walked into this didn't I, the only person who knew about the tree besides from me was the first boy I kissed also known as my best friend Blake Shepard yes he was my first kiss it just happened in the moment and we have both ignored it since the day it happened. A week before him a Beatrice got together after that his mind was always on Beatrice we started to grow apart then. I ignored my love for him as he pursued Beatrice and I was okay with that he deserved happiness but I had already known about my illness when he had kissed me that was when I realized I had to go. I had to leave I couldn't hurt him I knew I was hurting him when I left but it would've been more if I had stuck around.

Walking into the house I came face to face with Lee's furious face. "Lissa where were you?" He and Martin were waiting for my answer. "I went for a walk I needed to get some air" Looking into his eye's I could tell he was relieved. "I thought you left me again" I look at him as my next sentence hits him. "I don't break my promises especially to you Lee" Instead of giving me a sappy response he nodded his head as I made my way to my room for the night. The walking had tired me out but I needed it and maybe I would continue walking for the next two weeks I have cooped up in this house.