One step at a time

35

Melissa Newman

Megan came running down the stairs with my outfit for today as my mother wheeled me to the bathroom to help change me. I hated depending on other people but I knew better than to fight these two I learned from last time. Plus Lee said that if I didn't let them change me he was going to do it himself I don't know about you but to me that's a bit degrading. "It's okay baby I know" My mother whispered in my ear. This was hard for me but I knew it was hard on my family at the same time. I've been through this before but my family hasn't witnessed me like this, I get that they need time to adjust and most of them have all except Lee and that was understandable.

We left the bathroom and most people had already left the only ones who stayed behind were dad and Lee. "Can I speak to her privately before we leave?" Lee asked my parents. Lee rolled me to the back porch. "Lissa I know that I haven't been the best brother lately" I stopped him well more like cut him off. "Lee I know this is hard for you, You've never seen me like this I left last time I know you need to adjust, and I'm giving you time to do just that but don't rush because of my feelings when your ready I will be here don't worry Lee I know you love me but sometimes you need to actually sit down and comprehend what your feeling not bottling it up because you will explode and push more people away acknowledge how you feel and you will come to peace with it I promise" I smiled at him. "How do you know I will though?" I laughed at this. "Because I was like this when I first got diagnosed, I didn't run away to keep you safe I ran away because I was scared, If I had thought to myself and acknowledged the fact that I was sick I would have never left in the first place, I was terrified Lee and I only had myself, You were never there, Our parents were always working, Blake was with Beatrice I was completely alone" This was something I've never told anyone and I had planned to keep that to myself but he needed to know he needed to understand.

"I'm sorry" Was the first thing he said after 5 minutes of silence. "I've come to peace with it plus it wasn't all your fault I didn't reach out for help I just ran" Lee stood up and wheeled me to the car where everyone was waiting for us. The drive was short. Lee held on to my hand the whole time not wanting to let go but eventually, he did. Our friends had set up a seating area for us when we arrived. I breathed in the fresh air, I missed this. Everyone had run towards the water leaving me alone but I was fine with that.

I looked to my left and sighed. "You know it takes too much energy to hate you" Blake looked at me surprised that I was talking to him. "Then please don't hate me" It was a whisper but it was there. He knew he was in the wrong but the least we could do was be civil around our friends. I smiled and nodded. "Do you want to go in the water?" I shook my head even though I knew it was a bad idea. Blake picked me up and I laughed. "I can walk you know?" He ignored me it was like my words were going to a brick wall. We arrived at the water when he spoke again. "I know but what fun is that" Lee was the first to notice us and he tried to take over but Blake wouldn't let him. "Lee it's fine I'm okay but stay close"

The sound of my voice brought all of my friends to me. Martin was the first to splash water on me. "You little" There were laughs everywhere and this became my favourite memory, but like all good things it must come to an end. I was getting cold and hungry so everyone jumped out to eat. This was the best birthday anyone could ask for. As I was eating I started humming a song that had been stuck in my head forever well for the last week that is. Until I started saying the lyrics.

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life

Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die

Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive

Cuz you gotta survive

Like your body's in the room but you're not really there

Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care

Like your fresh outta love but it's been in the air

Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't

A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope

A little bit tired of sinkin'

There's water in my boat

I'm barely breathin'

Tryna stay afloat

So I got these

Quick repairs to cope

Guess I'm just broken and broke

"Lissa" Lee was the first to speak up, I guess the lyrics is something that he didn't want to hear. "Relax Lee its a song" I laughed. "Yeah right" I sighed and played it off YouTube for him. "Why this song?" Megan asked. "I guess its how ive been feeling lately, It resembles to my life, It resembles to my feelings I guess this song is just me if you actually listen to the lyrics you would understand" I turned to Lee. "Fine play it again"