One step at a time

19

Melissa Newman

When Lee arrived in the hospital room he was bouncing and was happy that was clear. Normally when Lee came into my line of view I felt happy and excited, but right now the only emotions I was feeling were anger and annoyance. This was something new I had never in my life been angry at Lee I had been annoyed yeah but never angry and if I had been I couldn't recall it at this moment. His vibe changed he could tell that seeing him caused me displeasure. "Lissa" I glared at him warning him. "Look I know I've been broody and haven't given you any space but" He started and I turned around not listening. These past 2 weeks have caused a strain on our relationship I could tell and deep down I know he could too. I needed space to breathe and he was constantly taking that space away hovering over me and giving me no say in what was right for me. He was not me he didn't know what I went through what I'm going through yet he can sit there and command me around like I'm a 5-year-old. I've had enough this was my life, not anyone else. That's what no one understood. "I'm sorry okay" Lee yelled but I was still ignoring him knowing that this was the only way I could get my point across. Martin rolled his eyes at me because he knew what I was doing and he understood, of course, he would he knew everything, He was there for my darkest times. Martin was there when no one else was and I guess I didn't give them the right to be there by not telling them where I was and when they found out I asked them not to come so maybe I was somewhat in the wrong as well.

The boys showed up not long after but I was in no mood to entertain even though I was the one who wanted this more than anyone else. As the night went on I eased up a little more but refused to talk to Lee everyone could feel the tension I mean it was there before but it was just more obvious. Blake still wasn't speaking to me and right now I didn't care If he wanted to be like then fine I would ignore him too. Casey, Tony, and Jamie could replace them. I didn't mean that not in the slightest but right now I was so angry that I didn't care.

I needed air and I was going to get that one way or the other. Standing up I walked to the door. "Where are you going Lissa" I heard Lee's voice. "Oh that's right I need to notify you when I'm going for a shit" rolling my eyes making my way out of the door. I was going to get air I needed to get far away from him like right now. I was suffocating yet no one noticed and the people that did were distracted by the fact that I tried to kill myself and almost succeeded. I wish I had it would be better off for everyone around me, I created depression I mean look at Lee he wants to drop his whole future for me and my parents were going to let him that's something I could never live with. I could handle this by myself I did it for 2 years without anyone's help. That's what they never think of I did this all by myself I didn't have anyone to lean on yes Martin was there but he was also looking death in the eyes trying to fight for our lives yes we sometimes leaned on each other but that was only at our weakest point. I had been sitting outside for at least 30 minutes when I heard footsteps behind me. "Dam I've been caught" A laugh was heard from behind me. "I convinced Lee and Martin to stay in the room with the others," Casey told me as he sat down next to me. "I could tell you were getting ready to kill Lee" His laugh had always been like harmony to my ears but I saw him more like a brother than anything else.

"I get it you feel like you can't breathe you've been locked up in an insane asylum for 2 weeks and you've had your brother constantly checking your every move" I have always had mental health issues so his words hit a spot and he could tell but still smiled. "Yes, that's where you belong but don't we all? We all have our down moments and the only reason why you were in there in the first place is that your parents demanded it you've faced so much worse but they don't see that they see their little girl and little sister they never got to see what you went through this is them making up that time" I got what he was saying but when were they going to quit it? When were they going to face the fact that things happen I will never be healthy again I will die everyone does it's their purpose in life you were born to die it's the circle of life maybe that was me being a Debbie downer but it was true and sometimes the truth hurts I should know from personal experience. I had been through enough shit in my life more than an ordinary human being should face even though I'm only 17. There are some things that even Martin isn't aware of there are just some things you have to keep to yourself.

"I will sit here with you while you have your pity party and I won't say a thing so in a way I won't be here at all" He smiled at me and I was somewhat grateful. "Look I know you've been through a lot of things and sometimes you need space to just think but when times get bad just call me I don't care what time it is just pick up the phone and call me I can't lose you too not right now I just I won't be able to take it" Looking at Casey was like looking at Noah they had the same personality and looked somewhat alike you would think they were siblings but they weren't they were first cousin's on both sides of his family. Noah's mum and dad were Casey's parent's twins it was weird when I first got told. When they were little they thought they were brothers their parents looked the same I mean one was taller than the other but as a kid, you don't notice those things.

The first movie had finished by the time we had gone back to the room, Granted no one was watching it because Lee was pacing the room. "I never thought that I would want to kill you but today that feeling has been just as strong as my need to breathe" hearing myself say those words out loud was like taking a breath of fresh air, Now he knew how I felt. Martin just couldn't help it he had to laugh and for the next 20 seconds, that was all anyone could hear until the rest decided to join. "I'm being serious" I looked at Martin. "You couldn't even kill that spider that made its nest on your bed and she was already dying" huffing I replied. "Give me motivation and I would why should spiders grow up without their parents that's just beyond me"

The mood of the room changed yet Blake still ignored me the whole night he smiled at me once then went back to ignoring me I was getting so fed up with it that I didn't care anymore if he didn't want to talk to me then I wasn't going to go out of my way to get him to.