One step at a time

37

Melissa Newman

There was no news, My cancer had stayed the same as it has for the last 6 months, I've tried treatment after treatment and nothing was working. "I know that look Melissa this isn't the end of the world" I scoffed in reply. "Are you the one who has to have radiation blasted through their body, Are you the one who is in constant pain?, Are you the one who has no energy? I can barely make it to the toilet in the morning and even when I do I need help to get off and majority of the time I also need help back to my bed, You're not living it I am, I will continue until my next scan You will find me something better and if that doesn't work I'm coming off treatment because you know as well as I do that all these treatments are killing me faster then my cancer is"

I knew this was something my family didn't want to hear but it was the truth and only three people in this room understood it. My doctor, Martin, and myself. Cancer is an ugly disease I wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my worst enemy. "What does she mean by that" Lee asked the doctor and I knew someone would. "Every treatment she takes, Every treatment we try it takes a toll on the body and after a while if we keep going her body will begin to slowly shut down" The doctor looked at my parents I knew that nobody wanted to hear this. Nobody is ready for the truth that's why people say the truth hurts and sometimes the truth kills. "So the thing we're using to keep her alive is actually killing her?" Mum asked for clarity she needed to hear it. She needed the doctor to tell her straight.

I looked around the room and said the one thing that nobody wanted to hear. "I'm not afraid to die, I've never been scared of death, I'm terrified but not for the reasons you think" I looked at Lee I knew he needed to hear this the most. "I'm terrified because of everything I'm leaving behind" I turned back around to the doctor because I didn't want to see the look on his face. I just broke his heart and I knew that. "One more treatment if that doesn't work then we're done I don't want my sister to die in pain if she's going to die I want her to be as comfortable as she can be" I could hear Lee's voice break. He was trying so hard not to but I could hear it. I could feel it. Everything in this room was tense.

We left the hospital not long after that. My next scan was in a week which meant the doctor had two weeks to shrink my cancer, Only one week to find something and I knew that it wasn't a lot of time but I wasn't going to put myself through all this pain anymore. "Brad when we get home I want you to call all your guy's friends and have them stay over for the next month everyone deserves a chance to say goodbye" Mum said as she tried not to cry. I didn't know if I could last a month. I didn't know if I could last until next week but I will try I will fight it.

Lee called everyone and told them to pack some bags, He didn't tell them why and I was thankful for that I wanted to be the one to tell them, I wanted to be the one to break the news after all I was the one they were saying goodbye to. I didn't have much hope in this next treatment no one did. My parents were doctors themselves and they didn't have any hope, There are cases where things just can't be helped. People die every day. My time was near and everyone knew. I felt the atmosphere change.

"The queen is here" Was the first thing Megan said as she walked into the house that she would be calling her home for the next couple of weeks. Dad was turning the lounge into a makeshift bedroom for all of us. My brothers included, Yes I consider Martin my brother because one day he will be. Everyone came through the door. Lee had his hand on my back comforting me as I was about to break the news. "we asked you all here so you have time to say goodbye" I looked at Casey, Him and Lee were the two I was the most worried about. "What do you mean to say goodbye?" Megan asked tears already at the brim of her eyes. "I'm running out of options, I have two weeks until my treatments stop I could choose to keep them going but if I do I will die anyway my body will start to shut down slowly due to the amount of radiation pumped through my body, I will start to deuterate and I will become a girl you won't recognize, I won't be able to talk I will start mumbling, I won't be able to breathe and I will die in pain or I can choose to stop the treatments and I will die in pain but not as much as I will be in if I continued the treatments, I will die happy and around the ones I love the most, I'm giving you this time to say goodbye you guys are staying here until I take my last breath I have chosen to die at home if my last scan doesn't work I'm not going to go back to the hospital"

Everyone was in tears, Well everyone except Blake. I knew he was trying to hold it in and I knew he would he would wait until no one is around before he started crying because that's just who he is. "What are the chances of your last treatment being successful?" Tony asked. "10%" Blake answered for all of us. "which is why we are all here today, She chose us this time, She chose not to run away she chose to stay by our sides to the very end even though it scares her, She's not scared for herself she's scared for us because she knows very well that her departure will ruin us she knows once shes not around some of us won't have the will to live she knows that he departure will destroy us even if we decide to live but what is a life without you in it" Blake said tears gushing down his face he wanted me to know just how broken he would be if I left.

"You guys will be fine you have each other just think of me on a holiday one day I might return and one day I might not call me and speak to me every day I know you will get my voicemail but I will receive it I might not be physically here but there is no way I would leave you to fight on your own I will be on your shoulder every step of the way you just won't see me" I smiled this is what I believed I didn't believe in God or heaven I believed in the afterlife, I believed that I would be there no matter what.