One step at a time

3

Melissa Newman

This was the reality of a cancer patient who has survived, I currently laid across the bathroom surrounded by my puke as I struggled to get up, it was 3:30 in the morning everyone was asleep I had no help and I've been trying for 20 minutes to stand on my own but every time I tried I would shake and fall just to fail once again. I could yell and wake someone up but why would I do that to someone, they don't need to see me in this condition. My brain stopped working as I closed my eyes the black dots overtaking my body as it shut down little by little, I had lost all my energy and I was too weak to do anything about it.

"Has Lissa already left" Was the first thing I heard as I opened my eyes. "No her pills are still here maybe she's in the shower" As much as I tried to scream nothing came out, I started to cough and this got Lee's attention he started banging on the door. "Please don't come in here Lee" Tears were blinding me I didn't want him to see me. "I'm coming in whether you like it or not" I knew that I would lose this argument and as much as I hated it I needed his help. The door banged open as if he used force to open it. "Lissa" Tears were evident on his face as my parents raced to us. "I'm okay I promise" the looks on their faces made me believe they didn't believe me. "How long have you been in here" The worried expression clear on their faces. "3:30 I couldn't get up on my own and I didn't want to wake anyone up" Shrugging my arms like it was no deal even though it was I knew it was. "Mum can you help me shower please and then ill clean this mess up" Looking up I was embarrassed.

Lee ended up cleaning my mess even though I protested like hell. "Well I'm ready for school lets go" I put on a brave face I might have to come back at lunch but that was okay the teaches knew of my condition and have promised to keep it to themselves they understood that I didn't want to be the sick kid all the kids would make fun of plus I didn't want the pity looks. "Your joking right?" Lee had raised his left eyebrow in questioning. "Oh don't worry I have enough energy it will be a piece of cake" Smiling I walked out of the door with my backpack and my pills in hand.

"She's got to be kidding" Lee's voice found its way to my ears. "She wants to be normal, school is normal just look after her, check on her" I smiled as dad spoke he understood what I wanted. Driving was silent until Lee spoke. "Next time something like that happens you call on me I don't care what time I'm your twin brother We're meant to look after each other you took that away from me for 2 years please don't take away any more time" His statement hurt he didn't get that I did that for him. "It wasn't your place to decide what was best for me" It's like he could read my mind. "I can't read your mind I just know you Lissa I know how your brain works" Huffing I nodded my head as we pulled up to the school. "Mum talked to the school were in the same classes, I picked up your schedule yesterday and dropped off all your supplies in your locker which is next to mine" Smiling I got out of the car as Melody ran over and hugged Lee.

"Nice to see you again Melissa" I could get why Lee liked her so much she looked like rainbows grew out of her ass. Nodding was my only response right now I couldn't trust my voice I needed to cough badly but I was scared. I coughed into my sleeve. "You too sorry" I looked around and saw a few familiar faces of the friends Bradly hung out with before I left. Smiling at everyone I set off to find my locker. I didn't want to cling on to Lee he had his friends, his own life. "Mel" A voice echoed through the hall and only one person called me that. Turning I came face to face with Martin White, my anchor. "Mar I'm so happy to see you" I jumped into his arms as he held on to me for dear life. "How's your morning been?" We used our special code. which was broken sentences. "Toilet. 3:30" Was all I said and he understood. "Lissa you found a friend already" The smile on my brother's face was bright. "Oh no Martin and I were roommates at the boarding school I already knew he was starting today" Lee shook his head understanding what I was saying.

"Maths first yay" I was shining with enthusiasm. Martin linked his arm up with my own as we made our way to our class and found two empty chairs. The class had started to fill up but I was so engrossed in my thoughts I didn't realize the bell had rung. "Okay, class we have two new students if they could just stand up and introduce themselves" Martin had shoved my shoulder as I stood up next to him. "Hello, my name is Melissa Newman" Smiling I sat down as the whispers started and I knew that Blake would find out sooner or later that Melissa was back from wherever I had come from. I looked around the room as one's eyes had connected with my own. James Jamison we both had different reasons but had the same outcome we had both used each other, I used him as a reason to escape he had used me as a mechanism he wanted to make someone jealous that was the only reason he had used anyone that was just the way he was, the way he was wired.

It was lunch and I was so tired which was expected I had a long night and an even longer day, Lee had waved me over to his group of friends but I couldn't do that to him, I didn't want him looking after me every second of every day it was bad enough he had to do it at home, I found an empty table and sat down making it clear that I wasn't going to sit with him. "Mel" Martin ran over. He would always be my anchor he understood me. The cafeteria went quiet as someone walked through the door looking up my eyes locked with the one person I had been ignoring since I came back. He came right up to the table I was sitting at and sat across from me. "Is it you? Are you back and why didn't you tell me why M?" As much as I wanted to say something nothing came out and it was the best for the both of us. "Answer me M please" His voice was soft almost a whisper. "Blake why are you sitting here and not at our table" Some blond chick came over and practically sat on him. "I'm going to sit here every day until you speak to me M" He had completely ignored the girl and she was trying desperately to get his attention.

Lunch was quiet I never said anything as I nibbled on my lunch taking small bites so it would go down and hopefully stay down as the bell signaled that lunch was over Blake looked over at me before speaking. "Same time tomorrow? I'm never going to give up M" As part of me knew that he was telling the truth I had hoped that he would give up part of me had hoped that he would eventually move on and forget all about me. I had hoped that he would understand that I didn't want a friendship with him I didn't want to cause him pain but it needed to be done I had severed a connection with him the moment I found out I had cancer. Looking around I could hear the laughter of students as they lived their lives, smiling in their prime time. Maybe in another lifetime, I wouldn't get sick, maybe in another lifetime I would hold Blake tight and never let go but in this lifetime it had to be this way hopefully one day he would understand.

The next class had dragged on and I could feel my body shutting down. I tried to get Lee's attention this was the one class I didn't have Martin in but as I looked around I realized he wasn't there. I weakly got up and walked over to the teacher who I had once again forgotten the name of but black spots clouded my vision and before I knew it I was falling yet nobody had noticed until my head had hit the corner of the table and slammed on the floor hard.