One step at a time

21

Melissa Newman

Once we had arrived home I was feeling better, Better than I did in that hospital so there was some truth in what Martin had said when we left. That hospital reminded me of the worst time of my life, That hospital reminded me of all the things I had caused and all the things I had faced. That hospital reminded me of who I used to be and what I've become today, What my illness has forced me to become and what my heart has shielded me into. There are some things I am ashamed to face and some things I refused to face because I couldn't bear the thought or even the feelings the would follow. Those things were the things that were slowly coming to light. The things that I had buried deep, Deeper than Noah deeper than anything I've feared even deeper than my cancer itself.

Laying in bed those thoughts were still with me, they weren't as forced as they were in the hospital but they still lingered and I knew they wouldn't go away not anytime soon, I know one day I would have to face them, Face the things that terrified me the most but today was not going to be the day, Today I was going to keep living until I wasn't able to anymore. I wasn't going to live for myself I stopped doing that a long time ago. I'm going to live for my family, my friends, and most of all for Noah. He would be disappointed in the things that I've done, I was never the person to just give up I would always fight even on the hardest of days I would find the will. I may not be happy today but that doesn't mean I can't find happiness tomorrow.

I needed to do things the proper way, I needed to live for the ones around me if I keep going the way I am then I would die not from my cancer I would die because of my recklessness. I'm always too busy trying to save everyone it was now time to save me, I always talk about how I got given a second chance and I was going to live it to the best of my abilities but I never lived up to it because my will to die was stronger than my will to live and I gave in. I'm sick of giving in, I'm sick of letting everyone down, and I'm sick of making people worried. I didn't want to die anymore I wanted to experience love and someday I could adopt a child of my own I didn't need to have my children to have a family, You could find a family anywhere. I finally feel free, Like I could breathe and with that thought in mind I was finally able to get the rest that I needed, and this time with a real smile on my face one that wasn't fake this one was the first real smile I wore since I got diagnosed, And because of that I knew that I would be fine, I knew everything would be okay, in the end, I would be okay.

When I woke up it was the next day I had slept for 13 hours. I must have been very tired all that thinking must have made me very sleepy because I had never slept for that long like ever. Walking down the stairs I tried to keep my balance but I was still half asleep and ended up tripping and falling. I would have stayed in bed but when you sleep for 13 hours you get quite hungry and I was starving so it was either starve or sit there for an hour and wake up I weighed my options and chose. plus it was only a couple of stairs. someone's feet came into view I had no idea who they belonged to all I knew was they were in my face. Following the feet, I meet the angry face of Lee.

"Can you be less clumsy" The rolling of eyes led me to believe he was annoyed what could he be annoyed at? All I did came down the stairs I didn't do anything else. "I'm hungry I couldn't care less about anything else," Something about this interaction tells me that Lee is angry about something it might not even be me who he's angry at he's just projecting his anger on me something that he did often it could have been anything that he was angry at sometimes I think he wakes up with a man period. "Whats up your ass Lee" I asked with an eye roll. "You only care about yourself that's what my problem is you don't think of the rest of us when you do stupid shit" I rolled my eyes in response and continued eating my sandwich. "You're not the only one who would be affected if you die, Lissa, yes you are the main person but you don't think of the shit you put all of us through you don't think about that shit you don't think about anyone but yourself I've been sitting on this for 2 weeks because I didn't want to yell at you while you were sitting in a hospital bed feeling sorry for yourself" This is why Lee was hovering he wanted to make sure I would make it out alive before he yelled at me.

"Don't you think I don't know this Lee? Don't you think I've beaten myself up about this every day since it happened, don't you think I've beaten myself up every day since the day I got diagnosed, don't you think I've been punished enough for all the shit I've done? Yes I didn't tell you but you don't know what it's like I didn't tell you, Lee, because I couldn't trust you the only person I trusted with that information was myself you knew about everything else you were meant to protect me but you didn't you just sat there and watch it happen I couldn't trust you" I stormed out of the room furious not only with Lee but also with myself. I said somethings that I meant yes but I didn't want him to find out and if he did I didn't want him to find out like that.

I spent most of the day confined into the safety of my room. I knew Lee felt hurt by my words I knew he was in his room trying to decipher them something I had done multiple times In my life. The truth sometimes comes out in the ugliest ways but I was too angry to talk to Lee right now.